The Cutter Diaries

7/31/08 Dear Diary,

7/31/08 Dear Diary,

I was dressed in my prom dress, blonde hair curled and honey colored eyes lined with liner. My lips were a bloody red and I had a lace long sleeve crème colored shrug on to cover my scars. I was still shorter than Mattias even with my five inch heels on. I had a smile on my face the entire way there. Daddy, I don’t think I could’ve been happier. Mattias had on a black button up tucked into black slacks with black loafers. He had an aqua tie on to match my dress. Mattias gave me a corsage that had three black roses and two crimson ones. It was absolutely beautiful. It was probably ten o’clock when Mattias pulled me up on stage and got everyone’s attention. I was blushing like crazy when he turned to me. I thought he was going to say something sweet and nice but no. He told the truth. Like Aliyah he too used me only Mattias was dared. I was hurt. Everyone started laughing at me. Tears rushed down my cheeks and I ran out of the room. I was done Daddy, so done. I made a decision. I went into the cafeteria and walked up to the wall. I pulled my lipstick out of my clutch and wrote a message on the wall. After I was done I capped the lipstick and took out my emergency razor. I went over every letter in blood. I stepped back and viewed my master piece. “You think you all know me, my story and name. All you know is lies and nothing of my life. I’m an orphan; my name was Seraphina Tabitha Cress. My parents were killed while I was taking a rest. I was adopted and renamed Tabitha Shay, after my Dad died my happiness went away. I’m abused by Anthony and Lauren not to mention my bullies at school. This led to the cutting, a release from my suffering. None of you knew this, but you just thought. All of your rumors are fake except that one. Mattias I must say you and Aliyah through me over. Being used twice was an all-new low. So thanks to you I am now gone. Just remember that you all caused this, it can’t be undone. So tonight I finally end it and I will be singing a song. The song of my life, my own personal tune ‘Under the Bridge’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. If you wish find me listen to this song. Good bye all, I’ll see each and every one of you when you’ve been denied the right to Heaven for what you have done.” – Tabitha Shay

I smiled; the letters looked like they were bleeding. Perfect. I walked into the office and pressed the intercom button.

“Everyone there is an important message in the cafeteria thank you.”  I said before I cut the call.  I ran all the way home and grabbed my diary and my IPod. Then I walked downtown and under the bridge. I am currently sitting on my pylon writing this. This is my last entry if you couldn’t already tell. I’m not strong enough to carry on, I’m sorry I failed you Dad. I wish I could see you when I die but we both know I’m not going to Heaven. I don’t think you will be at my judgment but if you are, I’m sorry you have to see me be turned away. I tried I really did. So after I end this, my last entry, I will cut too deep, I won’t save myself, and I will die. I think back to my high school and smirk at the pandemonium that must be taking place. They may think I’m lying or they may be listening to my song trying to find my location. Far off I think I can here sirens. They found me. They are too late though. I just cut my wrists and my stomach, plus my thighs. To anyone who reads this don’t pity me, I want this. If you are struggling, get help, I’m a bad example and after I die that is all I will ever be. I put ‘Under the Bridge’ on loop. I’m sorry Dad, I failed you. I love you so much, never forget that. And now all there is left to do is to cut my throat.

Under the bridge downtown I gave my life away.

                    - Tabitha Shay A.K.A Seraphina Tabitha Cress

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Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed the story.  Once again this may be submitted as part of my Pride Award pieces.