The Cutter Diaries

6/12/08 Dear Diary,

6/12/08 Dear Diary,

I’m so sorry Dad I broke my promise. The past few weeks have been better than the last time I wrote. Don’t get me wrong my life hasn’t been a picnic but then again when was it ever? Yes I still got abused and treated like a slave but I hadn’t cut, not until today.

I haven’t been able to get my mind off of the razors. After I cut I realized that for once I was finally in control of one thing in my life. I controlled the razor, how much, and when. The power made me feel good. But I had to remind myself that it was wrong and I promised to never do it again. When I crossed the thresh hold of my prison I was met with a punch. I landed flat on my back and let out a groan of pain.

“Your late, get out of the house I can’t stand to look at you.” Anthony muttered as he walked into the living room. I heard cackling and realized Lauren had been watching. Great just great, the she-devil is in on it too. The conformation was met with a swift kick in the ribs. I groaned again. I managed to drag myself up and go to my room. I put down my school stuff and pulled up the floor boards. I smiled, hello old friend. I grabbed the box and removed what I was looking for. I decided to take Anthony Keidis’s advice and go downtown under the bridge. As I was walking to the bridge I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of my step monster having the same first name as someone who sang the song that I was in love with. I reached the bridge and went underneath it. I jumped onto the pylon that was about a yard into the ocean. I sat down cross legged and removed the tissues from my pocket. Unraveling the roll I grabbed a razor and pushed up my sleeves. Ever since the first time I cut I’ve kept my arm covered. I have scars, but while most people would be appalled at scars I took pride in them because they were something I caused. I began to flick the blade across my wrist and quietly sung ‘Under the Bridge’ to myself. When I was done and observed my beautiful master piece I realized I hadn’t brought anything to wrap my newly donned cuts. I shrugged my shoulders at myself and dipped my wrist into the ocean. The salt water brought more pain but I didn’t mind. I pushed my sleeve back up and pocketed the razors and tissues. I whistled as I walked home with I skip in my step. I opened the door and went straight to my bedroom. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and actually smiled. I’m sorry I broke my promise Dad but I finally feel happy again. Isn’t that what you want?

                                     - Tabitha Shay