The Moments

Chapter Ten

MADELYN SHEEN

It's almost 11:30, my dad is asleep, my vitals have been checked, everything is quiet, and calm, and still. Everything except me.

I am sitting up. Awake in the dark. My phone illuminating my face as I try to remember every detail of my conversation with him. I type it all down, so that even if that interaction doesn't lead to anything greater, I can know that it happened.

I feel silly for becoming so infatuated so quickly, but feeling silly isn't always so bad. I'm not planning on diving into anything head first. I'm no risk taker. The only reason I'm even engaging with this kid is because there's no foreseeable risk. If I find out otherwise I'll call it off immediately.

I've washed my hands, disinfected everything, showered, changed, taken my meds, my vitamins, eaten a light dinner, and now I'm resting. I'm always resting. But this rest doesn't feel very restful. I am over excited. It really can't be good for my blood pressure.

I sigh and put my head against my pillow, knowing full well I won't be getting any sleep tonight. My heart is still fluttering, as though he's still beside me. I feel the ghost of his hand against mine and the corners of my mouth pull up.

When my phone lights up, I just about dive for it. My hands grasp it, desperately pulling it towards me. I'm trying to remind myself that he is not top priority in my life, but I can't think of any way to convince myself otherwise. So I don't hesitate to read the message.

Jordan: Meet me outside the hospital? It's not creepy.

Actually it is really creepy. Really fucking creeping. It's so out of character for me to even briefly consider it, but I've made up my mind before I can indulge too much in the pretty little fantasy.

Me: Um... no?

I don't want to sound rude. Just firm. Sure of myself. And I am, I am very certain that I will not be skipping out of the building to meet a boy I just met at nearly midnight. Although when I put it like that, it does sound fairly romantic. I allow myself to imagine it as I read his next text.

Jordan: 30 minutes. That's all I ask.

For an immeasurably small amount of time, I think about how it's very possible. For a fraction of a millisecond, I think of how easy it would be to escape. For maybe way too long than I ever should, I convince myself that this could be pulled off.

Me: That's crazy. You're crazy.

Almost as soon as I hit send, he replies.

Jordan: Let me prove you right.

I feel my heart pounding again. The way it did when he smiled. This feeling is supposed to be reserved for the really special moments, so why am I feeling it now? It then hits me, I'm actually about to do this.

I can't think of one good reason to actually go meet him in the parking lot, but I also can't think of a good reason not to. I know which choice seems morally better, but I also have this desperate urge to ignore safe. I've lived safe my whole life. For one night, can I try dangerous? I know I said I'd call it off immediately if I saw a risk, but it's just one night. It's just one crazy action. Then back to safe. I've earned this, haven't I?

I don't text back because my hands are shaking and I'm seriously doubting my ability to silently slip out of the room. My dad is a light sleeper, but how light? Not to mention the doctors and nurses everywhere. It's not like I have a curfew though. Nurse Kate isn't working tonight so there's basically nobody here to bug me. It's likely that everybody on this floor will just assume I'm going to the cafeteria and everybody on that floor will just assume I'm headed somewhere else. It's unbelievably easy to sneak right out of this place. Nobody really expects a barely mobile cancer kid to be an escape artist.