The Moments

Chapter Four

MADELYN SHEEN

Today when I wake up in a hospital bed, I don't expect anything different. The fact that waking up in this room of rhythmic beeping and countless cords has become normal, absolutely fucking sucks. I've been here ever since I was admitted a week ago. I was supposed to get some time at home before my next round of chemo, but unfortunately my stats never got to what they were supposed to be, so I'm still here. The smell of disinfectant no longer registers and I've gotten used to never having a moment alone, but that doesn't mean I like it. I'm no longer bed-bound though, so it could be worse.

Tomorrow I start a new round of chemo. The nurses and doctors try to make it fun and exciting, like this is a true turning point. The bell at the entrance of the cancer wing stands dormant, I've never touched the thing. I've never heard it ring. I think of it as a freedom bell and the day I finally get to gently wiggle that string, I will be set free. Free from endless needles and rounds of chemo. Free from confining rooms and a painful lack of friends. Freedom calls me, and I yearn.

But for now, the lack of personal space is eating me alive. I keep noticing myself snapping at my favorite people and I refused to take a call from my mom. You'd think I'd take the opportunity to talk to her considering I've spent over a week talking to the same handful of people everyday, but in reality, I just want a second to myself.

I look down at the checklist in my hand, scheduled clean and perfect, everything that needs to be done has been done. Now what? I am digging deep for an excuse, any reason to step foot out of this room alone. I find nothing, so I take a leap of faith.

"I'm gonna go grab a snack from the cafeteria," I say. The silence that has settled in the room since I was admitted feels abruptly broken. I try to get up and out of the room before my dad can object, but by the time I reach the door, he's already on his feet.

"I'll come with," he says with a smile. I desperately fight the urge to roll my eyes. I love him, I remind myself. He's trying to be nice.

"You know what dad?" This is that leap of faith I mentioned. "I'd really like to just get some air... and some me time." His face sinks pulling my heart down with it. Shit, rewind.

"Yeah, no, of course. Of course. Just... be safe or whatever." He's still smiling, but it seems more forced. I smile back and the room feels all too still and all too quiet, it's awkward. He's still standing, looking at me, almost like he's waiting for me to change my mind. For a second I think about saying never mind. I think about asking him to tag along, saying I'd like some company. But then I set my mind on this one moment of honesty. This one fleeting chance to let my dad know that I need a little space. So I turn on my heels and escape. My dad is a fragile man. The little things hurt him because the big things have broken him completely. That's my fault, though out of my control, it's on me. I can never ignore that fact.

Now I am walking down a long hospital hallway. Rooms upon rooms full of dying kids. My eyes are trained on whatever is straight ahead, if my eyes bounce even slightly to the left or right, I might glance into an open door and see one of those dying children. I don't need that sight right now. I suddenly become super aware of how fast I'm walking. There is determination in my steps, but nothing to feel determined about. I wonder if kids stuck in hospital beds are watching me right now. Does it seem like I'm mocking them? I try to slow down, but right now movement is the only thing keeping me up. If I slow down everything will. I need to feel awake. I need to feel good.

I walk past the cancer bell. It's such a silly thing. It's mostly for children, but I just want that moment. I've dreamed of it since I was diagnosed. I never thought that at 17 I would still be waiting. I eye the bell as I pass it, I think my eyes are telling it that I'm going to beat the shit out of it when I get the chance. I imagine myself yanking that bell, ringing it so loud that all the dying kids in the wing can hear it. Wow, that's fucked, I think. My steps get faster.