Am I Still The One?

Chapter 26

Ken's POV

After thirty minutes of hiding here, I hear nothing from downstairs. I peaked at the window and I saw him walking to his car with his head hung low. His hands in his jeans' pockets.

All of a sudden, he stopped and turned around. I lowered my head as he looked at this window. Did he see me? Oh! I should not have looked!

But when I peaked in on the window, he did not look shocked, instead he looks sad. The truth is he's crying while looking here. I guess he couldn't see me.

I exhaled. I hope five months go faster, I want everything to be done. I don't want to see the sadness in his eyes anymore.

Honestly, I can feel the same pain he feels right now, it's like we're connected inside. When he's sad, I am too; When he's crying, my heart cries inside me and seems like breaking into pieces. The pain I see in his eyes is killing me. I don't want this feeling anymore.

I stand and trying to balance myself. I am growing weaker and the tears in my eyes make everything blurry. "Please, make it stop. It's tearing my heart apart. I can't take this anymore--" I then lost my balance, but before I fell off, someone grabbed and hugged me.

I tried to imagine it's Chandler, that I am in his arms again, holding me like the way he used to do but as I heard the voice of Thad, everything melted. "Ken," He coldly called out.

I didn't respond. I tightened my grip on his sleeves and cried. I can feel his hands on my arms, and he made me face him. Just like Chan's, there's sadness in his eyes too. I realized it's not only Chan, but Thad as well, I'm hurting them both. I'm such a despicable human being.

I turned from him and walked to my bed and lie down sideway. I hugged myself, wishing to be gone. "I want myself to die already." I said and reached for the scissors on my side table but Thaddeus grasped and threw it on the floor. He then raised my face and stared directly towards my eyes. "Ken, can you stop?!" He yelled with rage.

"Why did you get the scissors then? You want me to stop, right!?" I tried to reach for the scissors but he grab my arms.

"I'm talking about you! You, being miserable because of that stupid guy!"

"He's not stupid! I am."

"Stop being miserable! Nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa mo sa sarili mo! Tigilan mo na siya. Hayaan mo na siya. Magpakatatag ka naman, Ken!"

"Miserable ako pero anong pake mo?" Napatigil siya sa tanong ko.

"May pake ako kasi mahal kita, Ken! Ayokong nakikita kang nasasaktan. Wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi saktan ka. Kung sinasaktan mo man siya ngayon, dahil may rason, dahil gusto mong mapabuti siya. Pero siya? Hindi mo ba napapansin? Lagi ka na lang niya pinapaiyak! Why it can't be me? Can't you love me? Hindi kita sasaktan." Lumayo ako ng tingin pagkatapos niya magsalita.

"Can't you love me? Do you even love me?" I can hear his cries.

I finally looked at him. "You're like a brother to me but I don't love you. Please, don't hurt yourself because of me. I already hurt so many people. Stop this."

He wiped away the tears on his face and laughed sadly, "I... I had known since then that I'm just a friend, so why did I ask you again?" He's playing with his fingers while looking down.

"I apologize. Forget about everything I said. Don't worry about me anymore. I know you love him, I'll stop insisting myself to you."

"You must promise me that you won't do it again. Forget about the feelings you have for me, I don't even deserve that feelings. Give it to someone who truly deserves it. Don't waste it for me, okay?" I held my friend's face and wiped his years away.

"Okay, I promise," He also wiped away my tears and joked, "But I guess I'm really a good actor huh?" I jokingly punched him on the arm.

"Why were you here anyways?" I asked.

"To invite you to our postponed hangout. Would you go with me?"

"Okay, I'll go with you. I'll dress up, wait for me downstairs. You promise, okay?"

He nodded, "I promise. Swear!" And fade away from view.

I closed the door and sighed. Hindi  magiging madali 'yung hinihiling ko pero ayaw ko na siya makitang nasasaktan dahil sa isang babaeng hindi deserving mahalin ng isang Thaddeus. Though, I'd still decided not to refuse his invitations, that's because he's my friend. Nothing else.