Beautiful Mess (Book II)

Chapter ten

"I don't need you to light up my world, just sit with me in the dark."

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•Rae•

The time is getting close to midnight, and Kyle and I are cooped up on the couch watching an old re-run episode of Seinfeld. My eyelids are getting heavier and I know I'm gonna fall asleep any minute now, considering the fact that I've been lying down on him for the past half an hour or so.

I glance up at Kyle from where I'm resting my head on the pillow I placed on top of his lap. His eyes are glued to the TV screen as he gently caresses my hair, but there's a far away look in his eyes which only means he's lost in his thoughts.

Without sitting up, I reach out for the remote and mute the TV. Kyle doesn't complain which further confirms my suspicion that his mind really is elsewhere.

I look up at him for a few moments. "What are you thinking about?" I ask quietly.

He looks down into my eyes for a moment before shrugging. "Nothing. Just the... events of the day."

Him losing his job doesn't come as a shock to me since his boss is the strict type, but I hate the fact that it had to happen on the same day as his dad's funeral. Even though we spent the rest of the day just enjoying each other's company and making sure to not mention his mom, I know we'd have to address that issue sooner or later.

"You're thinking about your mom." It comes out sounding more like a statement rather than a question, because I have no doubt that seeing his mom for the first time in years had a huge effect on him.

His fingers halt their movement in my hair and he looks up with a blank face. As he keeps staring at the silent TV screen, I give him some time to collect his thoughts and open up to me.

"I just," he says quietly and glances down at me. "I don't want to think about her. I shouldn't."

I nod and silently wait for him to continue.

"You know how she abandoned me in that place and never came back to see me. She just... pretended I never existed and moved on with her life just like she did when Jess ran away. What kind of mother does that?"

I understand his frustration and resentment, but as the image of his mom breaking down in tears earlier invades my mind, I want to defend her and tell him that he shouldn't judge her without knowing what things were like from her perspective. But I know better than to say that to him when he's in this state of mind. If I know Kyle as well as I think I do, he'd eventually forgive her if she tried to make things right between them.

"Yeah, she never caused us any physical harm like he did, but what she did to us hurt more than a thousand bruises would. The scars she left on our hearts won't fade like the ones on our bodies did. So really, who's the worse parent out of the two of them? The one who pretended to love you and tricked you into believing they care, or the one who kept showing you that they didn't." He lets out a dry and bitter laugh. "Seriously. Who's worse?"

"No one 'pretends' to love their kids, Kyle," I say softly. "She loved you. She still does."

"And what do you know? You weren't there." He leans his head back and rests it against the couch with a sigh. "Not all parents are the same."

I remain quiet and he looks down at me again. "There's no point in talking about this now," he says with a defeated look. "My feelings don't matter at all because she's the one who abandoned me in the first place. She didn't-- and still doesn't-- want me in her life and that's that. Why do we have to waste our breath on someone who doesn't give a shit. If she moved on that easily, why shouldn't I do the same?"