"Trauma creates mental illness." "I like to think of it as a bird that goes around laying eggs of mental illnesses in people's minds. It then flies away leaving the people with the burden of dealing with it. Some are strong and can overcome it;while others fall victim. However; there's always a way to get out of it. The first choice is suicide but that doesn't make it the right choice. its the easiest choice but the easiest is never-"
"why?"
"excuse me?"
"why isn't it the right choice"
he clears his throat
"because suicide hurts people"
"But why does it hurt people?"
He glared at me, "I think you know the answer to that"
"Okay but who does it hurt exactly the ones that know you're suffering and did nothing to help or the actually person yourself"
"Well Adrian sometimes it hurts the people who are unaware of your struggles its like an innocent being sentenced for a horrible crime and maybe the ones who are aware didn't know what to do or say"
He got me silent with that one. I looked around the room; giving my brain some time to process a response. If this room had a personality it would definitely be borderline optimistic. Believing in ridiculous quotes like these posters decorating its wall:
"happiness is fun lets try it!"
"We're all here for you we know your pain lets overcome it together"
"Sadness sucks happiness rocks!"
Makes me wanna puke my pessimist guts out.
"Don't you think that the person who committed suicide was innocent, i mean they didnt just decide to kill themselves something influenced them to. the same trauma they suffered with is caused by humans. innocent or not they did nothing to help and they gotta live with that so you're talking bullshit right now"
"Well Adrian if you feel that way then why are here after all you're the one who came to me"
Got me silent again.
Damm he's good.
He was right tho I did came to him, only because I acted moment of desperation and helplessness.
But the more he talked the more my anger seethed. He wasn't helping, he wasn't helping my mind forget that awful night. Then again I was stupid to think this could ever help. Not even the strongest drug can help me forget what happened the feelings, the regret.
"Look Adrian" he said cutting me off my thoughts.
"I'm only trying to help you, you came in with sucidal thoughts you talk about a night but you still haven't gave details maybe if you let me help we can overcome this together"
Sucide that's the answer.
But I'm done holding back my anger towards this man.
"Helping is apart of your job but you dont really give a shit. if i was to walk out this door and leave you wouldn't care all because you got your fucking money so you wouldn't give a shit but if i kill myself you'll only care because one less person to get a fucking salary from yk so save yourself the embarrassment i see through your bullshit. what i witnessed that night changed everything it fucking kills me man and you don't understand because you're just a walking talking sunshine with stupid optimistic posters that doesn't even represent real life you-"
"STOP!!" he yelled cutting my rant to silence
Mr. nice guy got balls i see
"look i know you live in this illusion that no one understands you but if so why are you here. You ran to me because you wanted someone to understand you. You want someone to tell you it's okay and tell you what you wanna hear. I don't know what happened that night but I know it's enough to make you like that but you need to confro-"
"I don't need to confront shit" I interrupted.
His face worned a tense look as he shut down his book and stared at me intensively
Oh you really made him mad now.
"Dont interrupt me Adrian you're disrespecting me way too much today and I don't appreciate that. It's either you want my help or not, choose carefully."
I smiled at his weak attempts to check me God I was so over this man's bs.
"Well thanks for your time but I don't want your help I have something different in mind"
I packed up my things and walked out the door leaving behind his screams to bring me back.
The therapy session didn't do shit, a waste of time industry if you ask me. However one good thing came out of it and that's the realisation.
No matter how hard I try I'm never gonna forget that night. The guilt is gonna consume me alive and instead of running from it why not give into it. There's only one way to forget the scariest easiest thing; it was the answer all along death.
I need to die but not now. In a movie I watched; the protagonist only had 100 days to die and guess what I'm gonna steal the idea.
The 10.5.17 is 100 days from now
But the 10.5.17 is the day i leave this earth forever.
YOU ARE READING
100 Days Before I Die
Mystery / Thriller"My name is Adrian walker and i need to fucking die" After witnessing a traumatizing event and blackmailed from receiving closure. Ravenwood's Adrian Walker once a popular jock is now abandoned by the love of his life and friends. Shattered from...
