Fear and Loathing in Vvardenfell

Pip the Argonian

And in the doorway stood an average Argonian. Nothing about him seemed to differ from any other Argonian you'd see wandering the streets of any town. He stood there mildly aloof and appearing lost, like he didn't know what he was supposed to do next.

Except for how he was dressed that was. He wore a glorious blue mages' robe trimmed in yellow and orange which would've looked amazing if it hadn't been completely soaked by the rain pouring down outside. He looked like a miserable wet dog coming out of the rain, except a lizard in this case, dressed in a sloppy and uncomfortable robe. And on his head stood a sad, drooping Colovian hat. Instead of it standing proudly on top of his head making him look like a pompous asshole it was beaten down and made him look disheveled and silly.

His figure seemed oddly muscular despite the exposed scales of his arms and legs not showing any sign that he was in fact muscular at all. And the muscles seemed to be oddly angular and bulging in odd places until I realized what I was looking at; Pip the Argonian was wearing armor underneath his magnificent and drenched robes which made him look even more awkward than I'd imagine he'd look without the armor. And on his back peering over his right shoulder was a club or a staff, apparently made out of silver. Who the hell was this guy?

Pip waddled into the home with a walk like any Argonian to shouts of [REDACTED] screaming, "Pip, you son of a bitch, clean your feet! You're tracking mud all over my damn floor!" Pip looked surprised, lost, and clueless wondering what he was being yelled at for. Large reptilian footprints were left on the floor behind him. "Get the hell back outside and wash your damn feet!" Pip silently looked around the room and located a large pitcher of water on [REDACTED]'s table on the opposite side of the room. He quickly waddled over (tracking mud even further to the house in the process), grabbed the pitcher, and stepped outside, once again clueless as to the mud he tracked into the home. [REDACTED] looked on silently with a furious look on his face. I wondered if the bulging vein near his temple would explode.

"Well...that's Pip. The lizard himself." He patted his legs idly while sitting on the bed. "What the hell have I gotten myself into? Imperial Orders my ass. This Argonian is...well. Hell, I can't even explain." He shook his head.

Pip wandered back into the house with clean feet but [REDACTED] still seemed furious about the mud as he introduced us. "Pip, this is...Clyde. And Clyde, this is Pip."

"Pleased to meet you, Pip." I said.

"Your head is funny shape. Please to meet you." Pip said to me as he walked around in a circle for no apparent reason. [REDACTED] stared at the floor.

"Well, it took you long enough to get back from Vivec City. What the fuck were you doing? Do you think this is all a joke? You're supposed to be doing work for The Emperor here, on his orders, and you don't seem to give a shit about it." [REDACTED] said.

"How Imperials say? Um. Fuck. Youself? Yesss, Pip think that correct." He stared at [REDACTED] with a vague smile on his reptilian face. Pip really didn't seem to give a damn though.

"Okay, yeah. Fuck me, right? And fuck you too, Pip. If only you could be in charge of yourself, see how that is. 'Fuck me' is right. You don't know the shit you put me through. Fucking..." His voice trailed off into a mumble. "Anyways, what did you discover in Vivec?"

"Me have book. Here." Pip handed him the book which was titled The Progress of Truth. "Dunmer lady said give to you."

"Mehra?"

"Perhaps her name Mehra. Pip no remember."

He ignored Pip's ignorance and thumbed through the book. "Okay. Well. This is good stuff. I'll have to dive into it later. Anything else?"