Fear and Loathing in Vvardenfell

'The Seven Trials'

[REDACTED] was banging on my door again. I didn't know what time it was, I didn't know what day it was, I didn't know what anything was, but there was the familiar voice banging on my door and screaming obscenities at me to wake up. How did this madman even get into The Eight Plates at this time of night?

I stumbled out of bed, took a heavy drink of Sujamma, and opened the door. [REDACTED] stood there gesticulating crazily and screaming Talos-knows-what at me. All I could hear was fragmented sentences and thoughts:

"...the fuck over to my house!"

"...now? When else would I need you? Now!"

"...bastard showed up in the middle of the night!"

"...big news and another assignment!"

"...get your goddamn clothes on Clyde!"

And then I was alone for a few minutes.

More Sujamma and more processing. In retrospect it was clear that Pip had returned and [REDACTED] was ecstatic, but did this really require being waked up in the middle of a drunken nap? Couldn't it wait until tomorrow? Fuck everything. I put my clothes on, gathered my belongings, and headed across the river to [REDACTED]'s house.

I walked in and [REDACTED] was still screaming wildly. A few of his neighbors replied in the night with shouts and demands to "shut the fuck up!" deaded by the walls of buildings. [REDACTED] was pissing everyone off in the early hours of whatever day it was. He seemed to be yelling because, as I could see upon entering the building, Pip was nowhere to be found.

"That bastard! Where in oblivion did he go?"

We heard footsteps on his roof and I climbed the ladder to check what they were while [REDACTED] remained in his home screaming and panicking at the top of his lungs. I opened the hatch to the roof, stuck my head outside, and saw Pip pacing back and forth with his head towards the sky.

"Hey Pip, what are you doing out here? [REDACTED] is looking for you."

"Hello Big Head. Me look at stars. They beautiful. See?" He glanced upward again.

I followed Pip's eyes upward towards the heavens. "Yeah, they do look spectacular. But I think [REDACTED] is looking for you. Maybe you should come down."

"Hmm. Was [REDACTED] making the noises? Very loud. Very disrupting. Me can't look at stars with screaming."

And about that time [REDACTED] screamed at the top of his lungs from inside the house, "Pip, GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE! WE NEED TO FUCKING TALK. NOW! I'M YOUR GODDAMN BOSS!"

"Me go inside," Pip said.

Once we were all inside his home [REDACTED] seemed to cool down a bit. "Okay, now that all you slacker-bastards are here let's get down to brass-tacks."

"Hmm. What is 'brass-tacks?'" Pip asked.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, PIP!" came the reply.

Pip told us all about his adventure up north on the very edge of Vvardenfell. He talked with many people in the Urshilaku Camp, and had to bribe most of them to even be acknowledged. Apparently he had gained zero insight into Ashlander customs when meeting with Zainsubani a month earlier. No gifts, no thought, only money. And Pip seemed to be on the right track really; if you throw enough money at anyone, even the Ashlanders, they'll cooperate.

In the end he was challenged to get a certain bow from some Ashlander burial cavern nearby, called the Bow of Sul-Senipul, and upon mentioning this he presented the item to us; the Urshilaku let him keep it upon retrieval. It seemed old, worn out, but also emitted some hidden, deep, and powerful magic that few newer items could display. This was a legitimate relic cherished by the Ashlanders and here Pip was holding it in his clumsy and scaly Argonian hands for us to see.