The Soldier's Journal

||Entry Twenty-Four||

February 16th, 1957

I can't stop thinkin' about how I've lost my family. The only family I've ever known. My own pa told me not to mess this one up, and that's exactly what I did. I've planned to commit suicide for the past three nights in a row, but my friends won't leave me alone. I can't get away long enough to do it. And that's why I'm back at Eleanor's.

I tried to overdose last night, and then I realized I needed to come here. Even if she hates me, I knew Eleanor wouldn't let me die. They called a rehab center, but they don't have any open beds, so I have to be put on the psych ward. Well, for that reason, and also once they heard about the plan and intent to commit suicide. I'm goin' later today.

I don't know why I've decided to watch cartoons on the television. Maybe it reminds me of when I was little. Not that my life was any better then, but at least I wasn't on drugs. I prayed to die every night, but I was too little to understand that I could've just done it myself. Emily most definitely hates me at this point.

She's barely spoken, or even looked at me since I got home last night. She always was one to hold grudges, but she values family more than anything. That being said, I didn't think she'd turn on her own father. But here we are. We were so close when she was little.

I was her best buddy. She didn't even like, or understand sports, but we'd sit on the couch and just watch random games for a couple hours. We were even close up until this year. I drove her to school everyday last year. Almost had to kill two boys – one called her an idiot, and the other one laughed at her.

I'd think she'd still hold value in knowing that I love her, but I guess her loyalty lies with her mama. She knows a sense of loyalty deeper than anyone in my own family ever knew. Edwin II won't speak to me either, but we never were close. And after Eleanor told him what happened, that probably further solidified it. Edwin II looked at Eleanor as more of a mother than he ever saw his own. He was even closer to Eleanor than he was with me.

I can't blame him though. Eleanor never yelled at him the way I did. I never had to stop Eleanor from layin' a hand on him – it was the other way around. But I know that I can't fix that. He and Emily never deserved a father who did drugs, or drank til he passed out.

But they couldn't choose who their father was. I think that's why I wanted another child so bad. I wanted a chance to repent, I guess. A chance to give that child, a better father and Edwin II and Emily had. But now, I probably won't get that chance.

I can't fix or change how Edwin II and Emily feel, and I won't get a chance to be better with another child.

As always,

– Edwin Myers