The Soldier's Journal

||Entry Thirty-Eight||

July 3rd, 1957

I tried to kill myself yesterday, but I can't even get that right. I met up with Molly in front of a storage unit. I wanted to make her pay for singlehandedly destroying my family - I figured the image of a man shooting himself in the head would be haunting enough. Only issue is, I failed, obviously. Docs say the bullet only grazed the back of my skull.

I can't see the left side of anything unless I close either of my eyes. The doctors haven't figured that one out yet. They also say that I got some hearing loss, but that's a given. A gun isn't exactly quiet.

I wonder if they've figured out what drugs I was on. They've gotta know I was on something, since multiple people have already told them that I was able to get out of my car and put myself on the stretcher. I barely even felt anything until I got to the hospital. I called Eleanor before I attempted suicide. She tried talkin' me out of it, but I wasn't listening.

I brought my pistol with me, and executed my plan inside of my car. Before I left, Eleanor was beggin' me to tell her where I was goin,' but I didn't wanna be saved. The only reason Molly was there, was because I wanted her to pay for what she's done. I want that image to replay in her mind everyday.

Eleanor and Emily came to the hospital, but they wouldn't let Emily come up to my room. Somethin' about the fact that she's only 15. She had to sit outside the hospital on a bench by herself, all while Eleanor was with me. My mood swings have been godawful, but especially yesterday. They ended up havin' to fly me out to Wake Forest Baptist hospital, and I wanted Eleanor to ride in the helicopter with me, but they wouldn't let her.

That irritated me, so I told Eleanor to not even bother drivin' up here today. I told her I didn't want anyone here with me, including my daughter. I meant it at the time, but I'd much rather them be here, instead of who actually showed up. My ex wife, Megan, drove all the way down to North Carolina from Maryland, in place of my son. My son couldn't be here since he's sick all the way out in Oklahoma.

Megan ended up leavin' around 7:00 PM, and that's when the phone in my room started ringin.' The nurses let me answer it, and, to my surprise, Eleanor's voice was on the other end. What was even more shocking, was when I heard her say the nickname she's had for me ever since we stared dating. We talked for a little bit, and she plans on comin' up here tomorrow, with Rebecca and Emily. She said Rebecca was really worried about me - she always has been like a mama to me.

Speakin' of mama's, I saw my own out in public a couple days ago. I approached her and bid her a hello, but she didn't even recognize her own son. It'd be different if I hadn't seen her since she left when I was 8, but it's only been about a year since I last saw her. Neither of my sisters have checked on me. Pa hasn't, and none of my friends have. But, while we were on the phone, Eleanor said that a lot of people know about it. Word travels fast here in this small town.

Guess we'll wait and see if they'll have me committed once they release me from the hospital.

As always,

– Edwin Myers.