Lost in The City // H.S.

Chapter 44

A knock on my door pulls me from my hazy sleep. The sleep I finally fell into after staring at the ceiling for two hours. My eyes still feel swollen from the tears I shed on my way back home as they adjust to the darkness around me. I know it's him at my door. It's always him.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling as a few more knocks sound through my quiet apartment. I have half a mind to ignore him, he deserves it. But I know he won't leave until I speak to him so I force myself from the comfort of my bed and walk to the door through the dark.

"Harry," I whine as his tall figure comes into view when I pull the door open.

"I know." He says right away, his eyes frantically searching mine in the darkness. "I know I shouldn't be here and that you are going to tell me to leave. I know what I said tonight was horrible. I'm sorry for trying to push you away. For making you believe I did something so horrible and for causing you to kiss that guy. And if you don't ever forgive me then I don't blame you." Harry says. He's breathing heavily and his eyes are glassy, breaking my heart even further.

"But here's the thing, the moment that I don't come after you, the moment I stop trying to fix things, is the moment that this is over. And it's NOT over. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life baby. So I'm here. If you really want me to leave I will, but know it's the very last thing I want to do right now." He sighs, the look on his face makes my heart clench because he is so desperate and I can feel how much he means the words. His green eyes are burning into mine and I can't look away.

By the time his rant is over tears are rolling down my cheeks. I am so angry with him, and I am so exhausted. These last weeks have drained me.

His eyes are swollen and red the same way mine looked back at me in my bathroom mirror earlier. The distance behind his gaze that I've felt the last three weeks is finally gone and with it my resolve is breaking.

"Why did you do it?" My voice cracks as I speak the words.

He sighs heavily shifting his gaze to the ground for a moment and then back to my eyes. "You keep saying we only have so much time left. You keep acting like as soon as I step on that plane that everything is over. I know it was wrong, I just thought it would hurt less if I just ended it now. I thought that maybe if you hated me it would be easier for the both of us. Then having to continue on the way we have been." He admits with guilt and shame written all over his still beautiful face before he shifts his gaze to the ground.

I want to yell at him. Tell him he is stupid and his actions were cowardly but nothing comes out of my mouth. I need sleep and to not say anything I might regret before I give my mind a chance to catch up to everything that has happened. I don't have it in me to fight with him again tonight.

I sigh taking in his worn down posture and face. I should tell him to go home, but I have never been good at kicking him out. I feel better having him around. Even now.

"You can sleep on the couch," is all I mumble as I walk away from the open door and head back to my bed.

Everything has been so hard the last three weeks since he found out about California. His wall has been building back up slowly and in return it has been breaking me down. He's been so busy getting everything in place with the band that I barely see him. Even when we are together it's different. This distance between us has started and he hasn't even left yet.

I don't want to be angry with him anymore. I've been fighting with my own disappointment at his leaving that I have made myself angry with him. I don't want to hold onto it any longer. He is leaving too soon.

I know I play a role in the explosion that finally happened tonight. He can't take all the blame. We have both been shutting down and I kissed some else. I did that. Granted my actions were out of desperation but I'm starting to realize so were Harry's.