I'll Catch You || Johnnyboy

Chapter 003

(I'm going to start doing quotes/songs for every chapter. 001 ~ All I Want by Kodaline ("but if you loved me, why'd you leave me..."); 002 ~ Get You The Moon by Kina ("and if death was coming for you, I'd give my life for you.. cause you are the reason why I'm still hanging on"); 003 ~ Map To You by Adam Levine ("I'm following the map that leads to you").)

Ponyboy POV

    He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive, those voices were on repeat in my mind. The thing that I’ve been dreaming about had finally happened. Johnny’s back. I was getting a second chance. How many times had I prayed for this, how many times had I imagined what it would be like to see him again? There was no way to count, it must have been infinitely many. 

            It's funny how that works, I mused. When you're with someone, someone you really love, it's like the minutes become seconds and just fly, like staring out the window of a moving car. It's like when your brain gets super happy, it overloads the part that keeps track of time. And before you know it, before you can even blink, it's over, and they're gone. And every day seems like it's own infinity, and endless blur of gray outside the now-still window. As if your car got stuck in a rainstorm and pulled over. Johnny, I realized, was my sun, and without him, I was stuck in a perpetual gray area I'd never escape.

             But now he's back.

    And that thought is so overwhelming, so overpowering, as if I’m being crushed and lifted up at the same time. Like someone had taken my heart, smashed it into a million pieces, and then put back together in the last half hour. Everything was a blur. I was feeling so many emotions; anger, that he had left me; regret, that I had yelled at him; complete, pure joy that I had him back; fear, that I could no longer ignore the feelings that had developed while he was gone. No, fear isn’t a strong enough word. I was terrified, absolutely terrified. My first instinct has always been to hide it away, lock it up in this box and throw away the key, banishing it from my mind. Just like I did with the pain after I lost him. I couldn’t do that anymore, not now. Not that I could tell him, either.

    My heart started hammering in my chest even faster than it had been before, my lungs felt like they were being crushed. I crashed through the doorway of our house, sobbing, probably looking like a disgusting mess, which is what I was. What I was and I always have been. Johnny’s probably fucking dead because of everything I said to him. He probably jumped off that damn cliff. I’ve probably… oh god… I’ve probably lost him again. And just like last time, it’s my fault.

    I heard Darry yelling at me, concern and anger both in his voice, grabbing my shoulders, but I threw him off and staggered to the cabinet where we kept our alcohol. Before he could stop me I’d uncorked a bottle, brought it to my lips and swallowed as much as I could, enjoying the pain as it went down my throat. It spilled over my mouth and down onto my filthy clothes as I collapsed to the floor, Darry still beside me, taking the bottle (which was a hell of a lot stronger than I thought), and holding me in his arms.

“It’s okay little buddy, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he said soothingly. Soda ran around the corner and stared at us in shock, before kneeling down on the other side of me and leaning his head on my shoulder. What’s wrong? He mouthed to my older brother, who shook his head. 

“Pony, c’mon man, what’s going on? Tell me what’s wrong buddy,” He said, tears starting to fill his eyes.

“Johnny,” I cried, and they looked at each other knowingly. As if they could possibly understand. “I-I saw him… he’s alive… Soda he’s here and he talked to me, I touched him man, and then I just left him… jesus fucking christ man I just left him there…” Sobs racked my body and I curled up against Darry, who sighed and picked me up in his strong arms.

“Let’s get you to bed, alright? I’ll tuck you in, just like mom used to, make you some cocoa, we’ll get you feeling better. Then you can tell us about, er, Johnny, alright?” I nodded, letting him carry me up to bed. He tucked the sheets around me, closed the curtains, and then ran to the closet to grab my old teddy bear. Johnny gave it to me for my fifth birthday, he’d spent hours with the gang looking at fake knives and weapons to give me, but not one of them could talk him out of that damned bear. I held it close. It had his scent.

Sodapop curled up beside me and held me like I was a little baby, sheltering me. Like he could help anything. Like that would make it better. Of course, they thought it would. To them, I probably sounded crazy. They’d seen Johnny die. Just like I had. In their eyes, I was a lunatic, driven mad by grief.

And then it hit me… what if I was? What if it was all a dream? What if Johnny wasn’t real, what if he was dead, dead and gone? What if I never saw him again?! It was too much to think about… it had to be real. I couldn’t lose him again. I couldn’t. It would destroy me. I need him, without him, I can’t even breath, I can’t move, he’s what keeps me going. Without him, I’m nothing.

When I finally caught my breath, I croaked out, “I’m fine guys. Just… just leave, okay? I wanna be alone right now.” They both seemed reluctant but backed out of the room anyways.

"Okay, Pony. But call in you need anything, okay? Anything," said Darry.

"Yeah. Yeah okay," I whispered, trying for their sakes not to let my voice break. "I'm just gonna, um, rest a while."

Finally they left, and I was alone. I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened since that night one year ago. Remembering that cold, white hospital bed, Johnny lying there, paralyzed. I remembered screaming my lungs out until it seemed there was no more breath left in the world to let out. I remembered waking up every morning for 365 days praying that it was a dream, sometimes forgetting altogether, only to have it all flooding back in a crushing wave. God I had missed him. Every single night I looked up at the sky and prayed even though I wasn't really religious, saying that if I could just get a second chance, or even just one last second with him, I would never ever let him go.

Never.

Throwing back the quilt I leapt out of bed and threw on some shoes and a jacket. I opened the window as quietly as I could and hopped out, starting off a dead run to Johnny's place. Something told me he would be there. I just hoped I was right.