"Playground Illusion"
1:30 pm
Ashtington St. Sunshine Express Park
I can apprehend my own heartbeat–it's loud but bearable at the same time more than the metal swing that i had perched at this moment. i can't decipher why my heart had to pound so heavy, maybe it's because of the excitement that i feel just to alleviate the thing that stings my whole existence, i positioned my feet up high just like how most of the kids here are doing, i didn't know that it's fun until i came to experience it, moving back and forth while feeling the hefty zephyrus pulling every filaments of my blonde hair.
I know some fellas and kids here are looking at me intently like i'm sort of an imbecile and i assume that they would although this thing that i do is preposterous but they don't know the feeling of being a kid, Yes! of being a kid! i never experienced being here in a playground because of my parents who's very protective of me and don't want me to play around with kids and adults, i always succumb myself with guitars and piano's in our not-so-happy-abode. in short i lived like a princess in tedious palace. My Mother had even to homeschool me without telling me why
My everyday routine would always be: playing piano, study, eat, sleep and it's strenuous to be in that way again, repeatedly! until i need to become the Hadley that i don't wanted to in the first place, i became despondent and a social pessimist. Even now that i'm liberated like a volture with extensive wings to roam the whole area, i'm still having a hard time socializing with people around me and they would find me as a poorly wired circuit who's been steeping with it's own she'll. i guess, sometimes i need everyones judging look, not because i'd like to be judged destructively, i wanted them to judge me constructively and if the moment comes that they'll see something in me, i hope it's something positive and not some substandard traits about me because i'll just find myself weeping on the things i wish that i have on a natural basis and an example of that is me being "Happy" within
I continued gliding and ascending my feet while compelling the corroded metals of the swing to move me more as i am feeling appeased, i just hope that the Gucci tennis shoes that i'm currently wearing wouldn't be hurled somewhere because, i don't wanna took my ass off from my seat. i'm feeling blissful and i don't wanna forfeit myself from this realm, i don't wanna go home so soon because as soon that i will, i'll just do things that are unfathomable and my system couldn't accept that just like biting my nails, having provocative thoughts, being cantankerous, cleaning the my room over and over again every minute and many things that i can't conclude at this point. i don't know if i'm being okay or not cause me, myself can't draw any answer and it gotten me to just self-diagnose on my own.
I have this outgrowing fear towards doctors. My parents are both doctors with different specialization. My Mother is a neurosurgeon while my Father is a psychiatrist and they both worked in a prominent penitentiary, i grew up having both my parents being scrupulous of me as their only daughter while they let my older brother to do things he wanted. in a nutshell, my loving parents cared for me and for my sake alone because i don't see them being protective with my older brother but it leads to the point where my neck and nape are forcingly strangled with tethers. They're both puppeteers
Sometimes, i wanted to feel how it is to be scratched and wounded and how it feels to play without being looked by your parents because they would become distraught that i would get harm but i pondered lately that getting wounded and feeling the pain is the best thing that would happen to a person because if not for the excruciating pain then you wouldn't know if you're strong enough to rise up or do you have the audacity to ploy things the next time that you would encounter the same scenario of being hurt again
