Love After Life

One: She Died

*Note: Expect that there are typos and wrong grammars here*

-:-

Amery's Pov:

I am just lying in the hospital bed, tumititig lamang sa kisame habang hinihintay na dumating ang aking pamilya. I've been in this hospital bed for almost five months. Nakakasawa na rin dito. Kailan kaya ako makakalabas ng hospital? Ah hindi na pala.

Bumangon ako upang tignan ang aking paligid. Napangisi ako, para ko na talagang naging kuwarto ito. Lumipat ang aking tingin sa pader at nakita ko roon ang mga pictures at stickers ng mga stethoscope, puso, mga notes ko nung nag aaral palang ako. Kinuha ko ang aking journal bago ako tumayo nang dahan dahan papalapit doon.

Naging malungkot ang aking tingin habang pinagmamasdan ang imahe ng puso. Funny how I memorize its parts. Funny how I memorize its diseases. Funny how I dedicated my life studying medicine. But in the end, those things that I've done, that I achieved would just crashed like the big bang theory. Wala eh, hanggang dito na lamang ako. I can't move forward with my life because I'm stuck with this four corner room. Nakakalungkot din, dahil hindi na ako magiging doktor. Dahil hindi ko na rin matutupad ang aking mga objectives bilang doktor.

Napapikit ako dahil sa sobrang lungkot. I can feel my eyes heating up. Thinking the mere thought of becoming a successful surgeon makes me really happy and contented. Pero kapag iisipin ko na mamamatay na ako, lahat ng pangarap ko bumabagsak. Bakit ang unfair? Bakit ako pa?

I want to become a surgeon because I really wanted to save people's lives. Kasi kahit hindi pa ako nagiging doctor, by thinking na may nailigtas akong pasyente ay nakakapagpasaya na sa aking kalooban. There is just this satisfaction that I could feel, and also I wanted to wear that white coat. I just wanted to help, pero ako naman ngayon ang tinutulungan. Nakakainis.

Fuck this cystic fibrosis! This disease took many dreams from me: becoming a doctor, having a two storeyhouse, owning a hospital, bearing children, and also falling in love. I just live in a lifestyle of treatments and medications everyday, and it sucks! I just wanted to end it.

I just hugged the journal that I'm holding right now. This is my favorite thing and my greatest possession.

Pinahid ko na ang mga nagbabadyang tumulo na mga luha nang narinig kong bumakas na ang pintuan. I turned around and saw my parents holding a paper bag. Nang nakita nila ako ay agad napalitan nang pag-aalala ang kanilang mga mata.

"Amery! What are you doing there? You supposed to be lying down. Baka makasama yan sa pakiramdam mo."

My mom said hysterically. Agad niyang nilapag sa may table ang paper bag na hawak niya at dali-daling lumapit sa akin. She touched my arms at dahan dahan akong inalalayan pabalik sa kama ko.

"Matagal naman ng masama ang aking pakiramdam, ma."

I casually said. Napatingin si mama sa akin with her sad cat eyes. Alam kong naawa sila ngayon sa aking kalagayan dahil hindi naman talaga biro ang aking pinagdaraanan ngayon eh. Masakit siya. Sobra.

"Alright. We brought foods.”

My mom tried to cheer her voice up, but it was no use for me, I can still feel the brokenness and pain in her voice, and it hurts me to see my mom like that.

She pulled out the styrofoams from the paper bag, while my dad started opening it. I sighed when I saw vegetables again. This food became my everyday meal when I had this B. cepacia. I haven’t got the chance to eat a normal food, like burgers, pizzas, ice cream and so on. Though, it’s just okay for me to eat those kind of foods but my parents are so paranoid, especially my mom.