Nobela

/1/ alone, miserable, broken

Ako ang prinsesang napatalsik

sa sariling palasyo

At nakahanap ng tahanan

sa isang estranghero.

"Kailan pa po nagsimula ang sikretong relasyon ninyo ni Hector Villegas? Desidido na po ba kayo sa annulment niyo ni Congressman Jaime Delgado? Saan niyo po balak pumunta after the issue? Mrs. Ynah Salvador, magbigay naman po kayo ng pahayag niyo! Totoo po ba ang mga alegasyon na gumagamit kayo ng ilegal na droga?"

All eyes on me. The spotlight, the cameras and the microphones are ready but I didn't utter even a single vowel. I acted as if I'm a deaf. Pasok at labas lang sa aking tenga ang mga walang kwentang tanong nila.

I just left my artist agency where I used to work and resigned. Paglabas ko, sinalubong na ako ng uhaw na uhaw na media. I am not surprised, though. I am used to the spotlight, but now, it's completely different. It turned into a shaming and malicious one.

Gusto ko nang umalis pero ang hirap. I was harassed rampantly by this mass media acting unprofessional. Wala na kasi akong bodyguards. Hindi ako makalakad sa kahit anong direksyon. Nakulong ako.

Fortunately, I am wearing my black sunglasses. I don't want them to see my eyes though I can easily pretend to be unaffected and emotionless. I was not called an actress for no reason. But only if they can see through me, I'm certain they would pity me —which I wouldn't like to happen at all. Hindi ko gustong magpaawa, hindi deserve ng isang tulad ko ang awa nila.

I don't want anyone to see my swollen eyes with dark and heavy circles beneath. Lalo na ang tulala kong hitsura na mukhang anytime pwedeng humagulgol, magwala, umiyak—mag-breakdown.

So I chose to be silent and be numb of everything.

Hanggang sa makawala ako sa kumpulan at nakasakay sa aking kotse. Pinaharurot ko ito sa highway pauwi sa bahay ko. Kahit na gabi na at umuulan pa. Wala akong pake kahit masita pa ako. O mamatay sa isang car accident—that would be better. So much.

Oh, that's the perfect analogy to what I have gone through. I was driving smoothly on a highway full of lights. Suddenly, I lost my break as rain started to fall and the sky fainted to black. And then I crashed into a ten-wheeler truck. That was exactly the feeling —hit and run.

Minsan akong tumira sa palasyo, napaliligiran ng masasaya at mga taong ipinagmamalaki ako. Ngunit parang binagyong nawala ang lahat.

Para akong inagawan ng gana mabuhay. Ng mismong buhay.

I immediately ran into my room as my feet entered my lifeless, messy and fucked up house. Well, I don't care anymore. I'll be selling this property soon.

Hindi ko pa nabababa ang shoulder bag ko; hindi ko pa natatanggal ang sapatos ko; hindi ko pa nabubuksan ang switch ng ilaw sa kwarto, bigla na lang akong napaluhod.