All Shades Of Blood

Chapter 23

27.11.2013.

I still can't believe that John is dead. The whole time I listen to that one song. I can't seem to get well. I always have the feeling that I will do something really stupid.

(...)

I'm staying in a group. They say that they need me now the most. I got a new partner, Matthew. He understands me, he's very good to me, he doesn't force anything between us because John just died and no one has got used to it jet.

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Matt and I are getting closer.

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Last night I dreamed of John. I cried in a sleep. It was like real. Like he really was there with me. I felt his presence. I wish it was true. I wish he wasn't dead.

(...)

The base voltage is increasing rapidly. We are all nervous. Today we have to choose a new leader, a new leader of our group. First, we have to vote whether they want to be someone's already a member of our group or someone new. And then we give some suggestions and vote for the leader.

(...)

It's about to begin. We're all here. We will soon begin voting.

M: Okay. As you know we have to choose new leader. We will now vote. Voting will be anonymous that later would be no quarrel. We vote for someone who is already a member of our group.

I voted for Stella. She is responsible. She would be great for this work. And btw she is one of my best friends.

Voting ended. Philip and Charles have counted votes. Now we'll see the results.

C: Five of the six of us voted for one person. For Barbara.

For me? Why for me I won't be able to perform this duty. I don't know. What should I do?

B: Me?

C: Yes you. And no but. We all thought you would have that duty performed the best because you were the one who was the most time with John and who knows very well what to do. And we think that John would be pleased.

He, pleased? Probably would. He did love me. We've been through a lot together. Too bad we no longer had a chance.

B: All right. Tomorrow we meet here right after school.

(...)

Matthew walked me home as John always did. I miss him. And for some reason I really want to kiss Matthew.

B: Thank you for walking me home.

M: You're welcome.

I kissed him on the cheek. But I didn't pulled away from his head. I approached my lips to his. I didn't know if I could kiss him. All my life I was afraid to take something without permission but now it ends. I won't obey others. I'll kiss him. I'm gently touching his lips. At that moment I felt a power, a great power and strength. As I can rule the entire world.

B: I'm sorry.

I stepped back from him.

M: Hey, everything's fine.

B: It's not fine. I'm so sorry. I shouldn...

I didn't get to finish the sentence. Matthew took me around the waist and pulled to him. He kissed me so passionately, powerfully, but also gently. He bit my lip. At that moment I remembered John. This is the same John did when we first kissed. I stepped back from Matthew.

M: What's wrong?

B: This is the same John did when we first kissed.

M: Come on. I'll help you forget him.

We went to my room. He hugged me. He started gently kissing my neck. I felt mess with hand under my T-shirts. Slowly he lifted the shirt until it was removed. I knew where this was going. But I just didn't want to end it. I never got that far.

He grabbed my but and lifted me so that my legs were around his waist. He pressed me against the wall. He started kissing my neck harder and more passionately. He threw me on the bed. He took off his shirt. He lay on top of me. He started kissing my neck and then went lower and lower until the abdomen. I enjoyed the soft touch of his lips on my belly. I knew it was coming closer to that moment and honestly I couldn't wait it to come. But at the same time my head went by a variety of thoughts: What if this destroy our relationship or partnership, or what if I get pregnant? But I still did it. At that moment I felt a strange pain. Matthew was still kissing my neck. I don't know why people like this. How they can suffer pain for pleasure? What kind of satisfaction do if you suffer pain? Maybe it's just the first time. He spent the night with me.

When I finally fell asleep, I had a very strange dream. Again it was John. He told me that I betrayed him and lied and that I he is very disappointed. Well, he's dead. I moved on with my life. After that I couldn't fall asleep. I stayed awake until morning.

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