the way things ended up.

what next

I woke up the next morning, Court next to me holding onto my arm in a protective manner.
I shot up running into my bathroom, throwing up the contents of my stomach, hearing Court come running behind me to grab my hair.

'Ugh' I said leaning back against the wall, to look at Court who offered me a small sympathetic smile.

'Should we go downstairs and get you something to drink?' She asked, to which I nodded.

Heading downstairs, I saw my mom and Frankie talking in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

'Where's Vic and Lex?' I asked, to which they turned around. Joan came round the counter to wrap me in a hug.

'Oh honey you're up! They're still asleep, how are you? Do you want a dri-'

'Mom, I'm fine' I dismissed her, leaning into the hug shortly.

She dropped back, surprised at my dismissiveness. Knowing I'd normally love to be fussed over.

I walked over to the cupboard and go out a glass to fill with water, and walked back upstairs, knowing everyone was giving each other little stares to leave me to it. Give me space.

I went back into my room and sat on my bed, shakily placing my glass on the side. Suddenly I remembered something.

I went downstairs, luckily avoiding everyone, and walked down into the basement. I never came down here. It was Malcolm's makeshift studio he had somewhat created at mine so he could work while being with me.

After that night we split, and the whirlwind that began with Pete, I never really cleared anything out, simply because, well I never imagined things would be like this now, and this permanent.

I switched the light on, everything was still in its place, his hoodie was still even left in the chair. I walked over and put it on, allowing myself to feel everything. I looked at his equipment all spread out, and I switched on the Macbook.

Files opened instantly, although he had taken his hardrive with him. There were three files saved I clicked on the second one.

The sound of his voice, the lyrics, everything about him, it felt like he was whispering in my ear. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I clicked on the next file. April 14th. The day we ended. And, I could tell it was about us.

My heart sank. What I would do if i could re-write the last few months. To tell him I could take the pain he was inflicting on me, that I would stay and fight the battle with him, even if he didn't want me to. I felt like he'd purposefully left these here for me, I'd never heard them before.

I felt numb, looking down I clutched my stomach. That's when I realised. This room was like a message. Everything Malcolm ever wanted, me, music, and our baby. And I silently promised him, that's what will continue, me and our baby and our life we would have lived.

Nothing else really mattered, not the tour, not the people blaming me for endless messes, not Pete. Just this moment and moving with it. I felt like he was telling me it was okay.

It just will take some time.

-

I know that was very deep, trying to speed the story along a bit, it will be a bit happier now.
thanks for the support 🤍