the way things ended up.

panic

We fell asleep that night to a question we found ourselves unable to answer. How would I announce this tiredly painful situation to the world, to my fans, even to Mac’s family? 

There were things I would never be able to fully explain in detail, and that made it so much harder for the people who would struggle to understand what happened that night when I sought comfort in Malcolm, to see my side and to accept how this baby came to be. 

My eyes fluttered open to see Court laid sleepily beside me, scrolling through her phone. 

“Morning.” I mumbled, my voice hoarse while she turned to smile at me. 

“Good morning.” She replied, and I sat up slowly, leaning my head against my knee, trying to calm the nausea I had awoken with. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about what you asked me last night…how you’re going to tell people..” I nodded, cuing her to continue. 

“I can’t tell you what to do, you know that, and I think you need to be as comfortable as you can possibly be with yourself and this entire situation, when announcing something like this that’s so personal…but like we always say to you…People’s opinions will be ranged. You just can’t base how you feel about the baby, because of what other people are telling you.” I nodded slowly, taking in every ounce of what she just said. She was right, and I knew it. I have lived it so many times where all my friends and family would tell me the exact same thing, because people opinions would affect me-they still do. All I want to do is connect with my fans, they’re my people, but that comes with reading through things that can set me into a darker place mentally, and I need to learn how to get away from all that. 

“Look, i love you so much Ari, but you do have a weakness when it comes to other people’s opinions. And what kills me is I’ve seen you fall from negativity so many times…That can’t happen when you have a baby on the way.” I wiped a tear that fell from my eye, as her words hit me. She cares so much, and she was completely right once again, I could never let the baby be effected by my wellbeing. 

“I love you and you’re right…I’ll wait a while…maybe even until after he or she is born…” 

Court smiled, and soon the moment where all the two of us could think about was how the world would react to this news, passed. I swung my legs slowly over the side of the bed, ready to get up, start the day, and face the people I had snapped at yesterday. At least I had a good reason to do so, but I still felt bad. 

As I lifted my body off the bed and onto my feet, a dizziness set in and I quickly sat back down, feeling too faint to walk. Court noticed, and stood up from her side of the bed to walk around to see my face. My eyes were shut, wincing as my head spun slightly. 

“I’ll get you some water okay?” She smiled and I nodded, mumbling a thank you, as I heard her faint footsteps leave the room. The spinning continued and as I tried to open my eyes all I could see was splotches of light and two figures coming into my view.

“Hey Bell take a breath for me.” The soothing voice of Joan Grande filled the room as I rested my head on who’s shoulder I assumed was Courtney’s who had quickly sat back down next to me. I did what she asked, struggling to take a shaken breath in before releasing it out 

“The r-room’s spinning.” I cried, as panic grew and nausea came back, served with a more intense feeling of tiredness. 

“Okay lie down.” Courtney cooed, holding my back with one hand while I squeezed her other, mom holding my head in one of hers while the two of them carefully moved me to lie down. My hands were sweating and my heart was racing and I tried to remain conscious but felt myself slipping in and out of clarity.

Minutes later, everything went dark. 

-written by goodnightngo16