the way things ended up.

talk

I sat up from my seat in the kitchen, avoiding all the stares, walking over to the door that led outside.

Toulouse followed me out, always by my side as a little shadow.

Taking in the fresh air, I positioned myself on the bench overlooking Hollywood. It was a cloudy day, creating a grey haze. It was nice just to be distracted for a few minutes.

I felt someone join me on the bench, looking over to realise it was Court. She sat far from me on the other end. I went to speak, to tell her I wasn't in the mood, but she took a sharp breath and started before me.

'Ari... listen I know you are hurting so bad.. but I want you to tell me as much or as little as you want so I can help take on some of the pain' She reached over to grab one of my hands folded over my chest.

I started to tear up as she squeezed my hand tighter and shuffled in closer.

I was silent for a few moments, letting my thoughts compose. There was enough going through my mind to write a whole novel, I didn't know where to begin. He came to my mind.

'He'd wanted this for so so long' I started, holding onto the view as a distraction from Court's concerned face.

'Making remarks about our babies for years and I would always dismiss it' I chuckled slightly at the memory of these moments.
'I was terrified of pregnancy' I turned slightly towards her,
Court nodded in response.

I sighed preparing what else I wanted to share, 'I need him Court. I can't do this without him.. none of it. I'm ... lost. I started to trail off into tears.

Court pulled me into a tight hug.
'He'd be so proud of you Ari, I know he would. But.. if this is too hard on you, along with everything else. You shouldn't feel guilty about not keeping it.

I knew what she was suggesting. 'No Court. This is my last piece of him. Something no one else can match in having. I want our baby.. I'm just totally scared.

She held me and we stayed sitting outside staring over the hills.

It was nice to be able to open up, even if it was only a fraction of the story. I could get that off my chest. But my biggest worry on my mind right now was how would I announce a pregnancy to the world when I was engaged to someone else. No one would understand what had happened between me and Pete let alone me and Malcolm.

His family don't even know about us so they would have no idea about a pregnancy, I wasn't even invited to the funeral. They said it was so paparazzi wouldn't follow, but I wanted to honour Malcolm.

After a few minutes of silence, I turned round in my seat to face Court.

'Court... where do I start... how is this going to come out publicly..'

-
written by macandari