Astrid's POV
I woke up. I finally woke up after that '125th killing myself' plan which failed. Again. Ugh! Why do those nurses really care? I mean, they're here to work and get paid. That's all.
I sighed, still laying on the bed.
Everytime I attempt to kill myself, those nurses came. It's driving me nuts. Why won't they just give up?
I sat up and place my hand on my forehead. I'm dizzy. For real.
I walked slowly to the couch and sit down there. I spend most of my time thinking. Specifically planning.
When would this end if they won't let me go kill myself? I'm not worth living here anyway. All I felt was pain.
I grab my notebook I kept under the couch, flip some pages and finally stop flipping when I saw my old handwriting. This notebook was once given by a friend of mine before I got sick.
As I've said before, I used to be a healthy girl until this happened. I used to go to school like you guys. And this book was given when I was in the 7th grader by my best friend before she left the country.
I started to make this book as my 'more-or-less' diary. I wrote everything about myself there. Either about how I feel or about my dreams and future plans.
I flipped pages over pages. A tear slightly fell from my eyes through my cheeks as I read those writings. Till then, I stopped at another page. An empty ones.
I started to write with a pen I left inside my book. Well, here goes..
'It's been months. Nobody cares. Why can't I just die? It's the 125th time I attempted to kill myself. And I failed. Again. For my sake, why? I've been trying 125 times and everytime I tried, I failed. It's driving me crazy. Why? I wondered, why? Am I born to be like this? Is this fate?
I'm tired. Of everything, to be honest. If I'm not dead yet for a reason, then tell me what it is. Give me a clue at least. If there's just someone out there to help me find out, I will do my best to find it. I just need a clue. That's the first thing.
Second, I've always wanted someone to share my life with. Is anyone exactly out there? If yes, why aren't they coming?
Unless this two things came up, I'll promise myself to live my life the best as if there's no tomorrow. I promise. If this two things really came up, I promise to be good instead of trying to kill myself.
Now the real question is, when?'
That's it. I placed the book back under the couch and stood up.
Since I have no HV stuffs attached to me, I can easily move and get out of my room. So, I decided to go get some fresh air outside.
I walked to the halls and saw some nurses. Well, they act pretty normal by greeting me and stuffs but sometimes it's just annoying.
I went to the hospital backyard where a little pond was located. There are some trees and benches, too. For me, the backyard looks more like a little park.
I used to sit there and stare at the pond. Looking at the fishes and turtles who surely enjoy swimming there. Seems like they do have a better life in compared to me. This is just unfair.
When would those two things happen? When, just when? Or would it exactly happen?
