SWEATER PAWS | CSCOOP X READER (completed)

july

monday, july 4th, 2020. 11:24 pm.
cooper

i hope it makes you happy that i went back to therapy. i mean, i've tried for a while and it's been on-and-off lately, but i went alone today. i asked carson not to wait for me in the halls like he usually does, but i guess that was a bad idea..

i should've just been normal.

cooper is brought back to a few days ago, and with a frown he starts to rewind the hours to capture all of them in the letter.

she asked me about you. she hasn't done that before, nobody has, so i kind of..went quiet.

i mean, i told her. i told her about you and how i felt. how i think that you're the epitome of perfection and peak of beauty. how you deserved so much more than i could give, and that i'm happy that you're elsewhere right now.

i knew i was lying about the last part, though. who wouldn't?

i also told her about how you always took care of me. i took it for granted, and i hate myself for it.

before i knew it, i was in shambles on the floor. i learned that word today.

i basically broke down, and i was shouting, and screaming, and being annoying. then, i left into the halls before I could properly steady my pace and walk, and i did my best to leave the building but the pain started again.

have i told you about the pain?

it's like this burning sensation in your chest, mostly your heart. it feels like you're having a heart attack. she told me it was anxiety a few sessions ago. i don't care. i don't take the pills. my heart was beating so hard i could nearly touch it, and i just wanted to throw up so bad. i couldn't breathe and i felt like i was choking, and i probably was. i was crying a lot. i felt like i was drowning whilst being on fire.

it was horrific.

i was in the halls when the staff found me - i wouldn't let them touch me and i shouted a lot more but soon, i think i blacked out. i don't remember.

i woke up the next evening, though, in the hospital. the doctors said it was a panic attack, and much more severe than any usual ones.

they asked if i was taking any medication; i said yes.
they gave me more.

it was already really late and the boys all came to visit. joko came too, and amanda wasn't there.

they did their best. there were flowers and balloons, and 'get well soon' cards with awful jokes written inside of them (i believe that was charlie's idea).

they kept their distance, and only carson and travis were sat closest to me. travis played with the curls at the end of my hair because it reminded him of the times he'd make fun of me for looking like a mop before i locked myself in. i mean, he didn't say that, but i knew.

i knew everything.

i asked them not to pity me, and they said they didn't, but i knew.

noah stayed behind, and told me that sam and griffin were away but sent a video laughing and yelling and making jokes since they couldn't visit in real life. i was grateful. they made me smile.

he sat with me, and we had tea. consider us british.

he sat with me for two more hours, letting me talk. i told him everything. mostly. and he listened. he listened to every bit, and all he did was nod.

he left at around 11, when the night was already black. i remember that was still too early for us - we'd be out in the skatepark until the am hours, you and i.

i miss the skatepark.

i miss you.