SWEATER PAWS | CSCOOP X READER (completed)

september

sunday, september 29th, 2020. 10:49 pm.
cooper

my therapist said it's good that i found hope in myself to get better. i mean, it wasn't necessarily my choice, and those weren't my thoughts, but i just agreed with her. she's nice.

i think you would've been a better therapist, though. i didn't break down as much when you talked to me about stuff, and i've never wanted to run away when you were around.

it still hurts to think i've found hope. i didn't want to find it, but i guess i needed to. i don't want to stop thinking about you, because i know that when i do, when all of this is over, that you'll just be a memory and nothing more than a polaroid that i haven't packed away in a box yet. all those times that we stayed up watching the stars, the picnics, the terrace nights and the fireflies would all be gone. they'd just be a passing experience and i hate that. i hate that i will forget you and that i'll move on and i hate the fact that all you'll ever be is simply someone that i used to love and don't anymore.

i told her that.

i'll always love you. i'll try.

i told her that too.

i cried really hard. i didn't want to, but i did. "it's better to let it out" she kept saying, and i knew that already. i wanted her to stop talking and at some point she did, and everything went quiet. i couldn't hear the cars, or the breathing, or the sirens outside. all i could hear was your giggle, and how you always wanted to place your hand over your mouth when you laughed really loudly. i always stopped you. you have a beautiful smile.

it was a healthy break down this time. there were doctors in the room, watching me, in case i got bad again, but that didn't happen. i learned some new breathing techniques.

she spoke to me about loss and grief and all those 'stages' bullshit, but all i could think about was you, and the pills.

i told her that i've never actually took them. she said that she knew. i apologized, and said i'll be better. for you, and for me. for us.

she said that you would be proud of me right now.

i didn't know if she was right, but i really hoped so.