A Court of Hope and Anguish

One

Events in this story take place after A court of Frost and starlight. Note that I do not own these charaters and or universe. This is simply a story of how I believe nessian would come to be and exist. I am currently reworking some of the earlier stories... Thank you, Please enjoy!"

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Nesta found herself wrapping her cloak close as she walked briskly down the street. She had just managed to keep herself together, a familiar darkness playing the Macomb strings of her battered soul. Like an small quite symphony in her chest. Pulling her closer and closer to a break she did all in her power to avoid. Cassians face, his overwhelming emotion. It had hit her like a brick wall. A tsunami of unstable regret and sorrow. Her sisters faces and the tension. She gritted her teeth in a distaste.

Flurries fell and were illuminated by the Fae lights. The only source of light this late at night. Most houses quiet but still alive with dim light. Fireplaces to ward off the cold and family to keep the demons of the lonely night at bay. As she stalked down the street she swore she could hear the distinct flapping of wings. She spun on her heel, Puffed up and ready for a fight. The street was deserted and her only company ; the foot prints in the accumulating snow. She let herself let out a tiny broken sigh before walking the rest of the way home.

By the time she had gotten home, she was certain cassian had followed her home at a distance. A almost silent part of her was glad he did. She had seem his figure out of the corner of her eye as he landed on the opposite building of her own. She made careful measures to seem as if she didn't notice as she entered her top floor apartment. The Fae lights kicking on and the extent of the one room home she occupied sprawled infront of her. It was overly pitiful but it was hers if nothing else.

As she felt and heard Cassian take off into the night sky, she let out a shaky sigh that she had been keeping in her chest. Her things fell from her grasp as she fell to her knees on her floor. Tears streamed down her face and made soft splats onto the dusty planks.

Nesta secretly yearned for all of it. All of the things she read in her book. She wanted love, she wanted to feel. Someone to keep her company infront of the fire. To experience the touch of another who loved her more then life itself. Her books had always made it seem so beautiful, so healing. The closest she could get is a male from the pub and a pint of wine. It may give her a sense of pleasure in the moment but it was like a fading high. The more she did it , the less it seemed to work.

A heavy tar seemed to leak through her veins, slowly poisoning her. She had been drowning since she was plunged into that cauldron and changed from a mortal women to an immortal one. Since her father died and left all the things she needed to say, all the things she need to hear; forever lost.

An anger seemed to grow where the silence thrived in her. Not anger at cassian, elain, feyre, or any of them. But at herself. Anguish and sorrow. A silent leash on all light she had once felt standing under that tree on her fathers estate lands. The light that seemed to be replenished in elain, in both of her sisters. For that if not another thing she was grateful. She had failed them enough, so if she needed to bare this weight on her own to spare them. She would with no exception. She had eventually managed to get to bed. Sleep plagued with nightmare night and night. weeks and months seemed to pass in a drunken sleepless blur.
She had heard that Feyre had opened a small art class across the river. Something deep and withered inside her pleaded to herself to go see. To do anything but sleep, drink, and sleep around with drunk patrons of the dingy bar she freaquented.
Time seemed to be nothing but a blur. A numb cold blur. Her nightmares of Elains blood streaked face as she stabbed the hybern king a sickly reminder of how she failed them. The feeling of finishing him off. The life she had taken, no matter how deranged he had been. She had stopped eating normally in hopes it would stop her constant need to purge herself as she awoke from those terrible reminders. Maybe after all she had done she deserved it.
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  Nesta woke with a start at the image of Cassians broke body on the ground, the feeling of the blood soaking her hands and leathers as she flung herself over the male. She hissed as she hurried from the bed and to the bathing room. She purged her guts out for what seemed like an hour. Only frothy liquid layed there in the bowl. She stared down at it weakly, she had forgotten to eat the day before. Maybe even the day before that. She didn't  care it was killing her, maybe she was better off that way. Her sisters didn't seem to have much interest , Feyre with her art class. And elain, oh her sweet sister. She too hadn't come along to see her since two days after solstice. She had yelled and said cruel words to her sister. Demanded she leave and never come back.  Nesta added that to the list of things she would not soon forgive herself for.
She heaved herself off the cold ground, her long slim fingers grasping the sink for an anchor. Her head swirled like the black  shadowy powers her sisters mate possessed. One second she was standing and the next her fingers slipped from the cold stone sink. She collided with the ground and the shadows  took over her mind and soul.  Whisking her into the sleep she hadn't realized she wanted to badly.