A Court of Hope and Anguish

Two

    She woke to the morning sun gleaming down on her face. Her thick blue night gown was little help against the Late winter chill that had settled in the apartment. Climbing to her feet she winced at the pain that radiated through her arm. Squinting she saw bruises starting to form  down from her elbow. From the fall she had no doubt; the vague memory foggy . The ache reached deep and down to the bone it seemed.

She reached for the door frame her thin fingers gripping the chipped wood hauling herself up. Once to her feet she looked into the mirror that hung above the sink. Her face sunken in and lacked any color that told her that she was in fact alive. She coughed as she took in a breath. The air seemed to rattle as it reached her lungs. She seemed to have developed a minor chill from sleeping on the floor. She scoffed at herself and turned too quickly from the mirror.
A drink should help.To ward off the ache of hunger and the spreading tar that stilled tasted like ash on her tongue. A beer and some company to temporarily fill the void that had settled deep in her chest and even deeper in the months after she had killed the king. After all the regret and the things she had done. She squeezed her eyes closed, power deep in her blood threatened to rise. A deadly calm ready to burn and tear down everything tell there was nothing be emptiness. Tell the world looked how she felt. She shoved it down as she pulled herself as together as she could.

   Letting out a ragged breath she turned and walked slowly into the main room of her apartment. There was a small bathing room, the main room which served as her room, and a kitchen in the corner Of the room next to the wall central fireplace. Nestled at the end of her small shaggy bed a small chest held her clothes and personal belongings.
Slowly and careful not to trip on her own too feet and embarrass herself. She opened it and started to dress. A dark purple gown she had gotten in her stays at her sisters town house seemed like a good fit. Thick and insulated.She slipped it on and fought with the lacings for quite some time before finishing up and swiftly braided her hair as to cover her ears. She had always hated them. So pointed and hard to cover. They had suited both her sisters, their eternal beauty accented by them. She had cursed them the moment she had seen them in the mirror for the first time. Wishing she could pull them off and her human ears be there in their place.

Her fingers aches when she was done. Even with theses fae health and healing she always ached. The small kernel of power she had left from the culdren simmered with deep rage in the depths of her soul as she stared at her fingers; recalling last summers events. The blood, her sisters had been covered in it. Her sister Elaine, holding that knife. She but her lip and she sucked in a breath. She clenched her fist tight and let out the breath she held high in her throat.

She stood, slipping her slippers on walking out of her door and down onto the street. Very few people were out and about in this area as she ambled on to the pub. The cold a brisk wall that assaulted her. She pulled the scarf she grabbed close as she set off in a brisk walk.

When she arrived she felt anger and confusion rise in her. It was closed. Closed. Never once had it been closed. This pub her safe haven. Where she drank her feelings away. Found all of her partners for the night. Irrational irritation and confusion seemed to cloud her mind.

  She gritted her teeth. Blinding rage filled her and she slammed a fist down onto the door. White frozen flame engulfed the pub with in seconds. She tried to put it out, to make it stop. She couldn't. So she just stared. Stared into the icy flames. She could see herself, She looked mad, and not the mad that one would get at beinf wronged. No, The mad that ripped all sense of right and wrong from you. Insane and unapologetic about the chaos and reckoning that would fall in her wake. The face seemed to spot her and it smiled wildly.

She hissed at her own face staring back. No, this can't be her. Those ears, the rage and Twisted anger on her face like war paint. No. She repeated to herself, closing her eyes and opening them. Something in her hoped that she would see what she used to be when she had lived with Elaine in their fathers manor. As her eyes met her own she felt something break in her. Something she had been fighting to keep together. Something deep and indescribable.
  Smokeless white flames seemed to spread like an opened dam to every inch of the building. She ripped herself away in terror, stumbling back a few steps. She gaped as the building turned solid blinding light and flurries of ash. She reached her hand up and caught the ash that rained down on her and the entire square. Smell of burnt wood and liquor foul and offensive to her nose. Her eyes wide in fear. A mangled scream of a sob ripped from her throat. She had done that. Tore down the pub.No not torn. Disintergrated in nothing more then white flames, a silent icy death.
She heaved and heavy sobbed and growled at herself as hot tears ran down her face. Her heart felt as if it was tearing and contorting in the most painful way. She was a mess. A dangerous unwanted mess. She had pushed everyone away and now she was alone. Alone and so Inmesurably broken.
  She wished to be anywhere else. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but this city. As she wished it the world grew dark and she felt as if she was moving through oil and mud, the cities noises of life faded. It was replaced by bird calls and a wicked wind. But no noises of shops and no smell of food stalls. She looked up and surveyed her surroundings.
  She stood and looked around, snow and frost covered the ground, a dense forest behind her. And in front of her was a view most would find breath taking. Mountains snow capped and proud, adorned with evergreen forests splashes across the entire horizon. She took a few steps towards the cliff she was near and wrapped her arms around herself.
So far down, trees looking no more then the size of ants. She swallowed hard.
  A voice in her mind purred quietly in her chest Why don't you jump Nesta~ no one wants you anyway. Death is so much easier then life. Aren't you tired of  playing all these games. I mean just look at yourself , your killings yourself anyways. You know I'm right ~
A small tug in her mind sounded and made her pause but she pushed it off. The voice was right, she had always been an  uneeded part of life to everyone she knew. Her sisters were taken care of now. Her mother had left her, and now her father had too. Both her sisters had a family. She had herself and her baggage. Her unessisary rage towards everyone who tried to get close. She was far away from the city. Far from the noises of life. Nothing but cold and blinding light from the setting sun. What was stopping her.
Perhaps she would find happiness in the next life, and when Cassian joined her there he would make good on the things he had promised. But for now he should live his life happily. Find a girl who will bear him children and bring a smile too his face. She also wished the same for her sister. To find love and peace. Without her there, causing pain and anger they would be better off.

She looked to the sky one last time, admiring what she had deemed her last view of her life.
There she was, standing at the edge. Her feet wet in the frost tipped grass. Tears streamed down her face as she began to think. What If she had killed someone else with her act of power earlier. She could never live with it. Though she supposed that she wouldn't have too. Not if she jumped.
The tug on her mind grew harder to ignore as a headache grew close. She shook her head pushing it away. She looked to the sky, the violets and pinks of sunset staring to set in. And gave a soft smile and closed her eyes.
She wasn't needed and no one would notice she was gone. She remembered every regret and every moment she would change if things were different and let tears slip from her again. She silently wished them all an apology and a goodbye.
She picked up her foot and stepped into nothing.