A Court of Hope and Anguish

Five

  Dark. Dark deep water and cold cast iron walls. Power and fear swirled around her. She tried to breathe and water seemed to assault her lungs. She clawed and tried to haul herself up and out of the gloom. Her nails feeling raw and bloody. Elaines screams filled her head, the image of her sister soaked and sobbing on the cold ground piercing through water like a dark tentacle. It dragged her down , down, down. Down tell she found her feet touched the searingly cold bottom. Another memory filled her vision, Cassain bloody on the ground. His words, the rasp to his words. The pain in his eyes and the tenderness he regarded her with in what he thought, what they thought were his last moments.
  The cold iron walls seemed to close in and she was rocketing towards the top. The bottom dark and calling her name. She tried to turn back but her skin prickled as she seemed to grow and the large space shrinking and it became it hard to breathe.
   Nesta woke drenched in cold sweat. A deep pit in her stomach wrenched her up and bolting to the bathroom. The apartment a blur as she collapsed infront of the toilet and heaved. But as she hadn't had anything in who knows how long, nothing but foam seemed to rise in her throat. She held a hand over her stomach as she heaved again. The memories like a thick black tar around her throat and mind.

She let small tears fall at the pain from her stomach and throat. She quietly cursed as she fell back onto her butt and sat on the cold bathroom floor. She leaned against the wall to steady herself as she took in even breaths. Firelight trickled in from the main room, the apartment not as cold as it had been in days past. When had she lit the fire? She didn't have wood? How did she even get home? She asks as she tried to remember her day. The clothes she had worn out feeling worn and dirty. The cliff memories seemed to slowly come into view tell they assaulted her thoughts. Her every muscle seemed to recoil. From herself, from what she had done. She forced herself to stand and limp despite the pain in her stomach and weakness in her legs. She got to the door of the bathing room and leaned against the door post. She looked out into the room and cringed as she met the eyes of the Illyrian bastard that sat on her bed. Which seemingly had been changed to new sheets and linens while she had been throwing up. Cassian seemed to be nervously fidgeting with his hands looking away from her.

"Why are you here?" She growled, it came out harsher then she had intended it too. He seemed to flinch but if he had he tried hard not to show it. His eyes seemed to narrow on a dark spot on the wood floors with searing intensity. She felt rage build up in her chest, temporarily blocking out the pain. She stood up straighter and stared daggers into the messy side of his head. He was in dark sweat pants and a white sleeping shirt, his hair down and disheveled. He had been asleep. Most likely awoken when she ran from bed.

"I don't need you here. Yes fine thank you for saving me. But now you can leave. Im fine on my own. You have your life and I have mine." She hissed while she stalked towards the door. She planned on opening it and shoving him out so she could be alone. Alone with herself and the endless anger or emptiness she was now accustomed too. She stopped and turned on heel to face him; her hand on the cool copper handle. He now stood not but a foot from where he had been sitting. His hands where slack at his side, the white shirt riding up slightly on his abdomen. The exposed skin was toned and small almost invisible scars seemed to dot the skin. Scars from battle; some no doubtly from that battle she had flung herself over him. ready to die with him right then and there. The smell of his blood seemed to sting her nose. Tears welled up in her eyes; the anger thrumming in her veins threatening to overflow. People around her were never happy, and always destined to be hurt. Especially now with the power in her that she had stolen from the cauldron.

"Nesta.." Cassian called quietly as he took a step forward. Her name off his lips sent her over. Red blotted her vision and she could feel the explosion as she went off.

"LEAVE! I do NOT need you Cassian. I don't need you or elaine. I don't need feyre and her stupid mate. I don't need anyone but myself. I can only trust myself. Everyone else gets hurt. Everyone around me. Gets. Hurt. I refuse to let that happen again. Do you understand me? Get. Out. Now. I don't need you. I haven't and I never will." She seethed as she let the handle go and stepped towards him. Nothing but anger leaking from her veins. Pure unfiltered rage. Cauldron it was so much better to feel this then the empty pit of nothingness and sorrow she was used too. In this state she didn't care who she hurt. After she had time to cool off she would feel every word like a knife to the chest.

Cassian infront of her seemed to tense and take a fighting position and clench his fists tight.

"No." His word sliced like a knife down her chest. His eyes a blaze as he stared her down.

"No? Not to what? You cant be here if I don't want you here. Not once have you cared before now. Why now of all times do you magically care.huh?" She spat at him trying not to notice the hurt expression that had danced across his face as she said it.

"I don't care? I don't care?" Cassian said laughing darkly looking up and shoving his hands onto his hips and looking up at the ceiling. Nesta crossed her arms. The pain in her legs and stomach returning in full force. She didn't take her stare from him as she discreetly leaned against the door for support.

" I haven't stopped caring nesta. I have cared for you since the day I met you. I promised you that I would protect you and your sister without asking for anything. I would have done anything to make sure you were safe if it came down to it. So don't you dare tell me I don't care." He growled, starting off with a blazing inferno in his tone but slowly it started to sputter and his voice cracked from emotion.

" Nesta, when you and your sister where thrown into that cauldron. I fought. Even when my wings were shredded. I tried to crawl for you. To protect you. When we were on that battle field and I lay there broken and dying; when you protected me and fought for me." He croaked. Emotion cracking his voice as he looked away his hand on his face. Gone was the man she had squalled with countless times. The man who had hounded her on training with him. She didn't dare speak a word.

" I meant what I said to you nesta. I want more time with you. I..." he said turning from her. "I need you. I know you can feel that connection too when you look for it. You feel it. But I still have almost lost you three times now. I wont leave tell I know you are safe. safe from yourself and the world. Because nesta archeon I cant loose you. you are my mate."