What a tragedy // Billie Joe Armstrong

[24] Here goes nothing

Its nine o'clock, and starting to get dark as the sun fell from the sky. As the moon began to become more visible and stars began to come out into the night.

You've got to, you owe it to him. I kept telling myself. I looked over at him.

We laid underneath the stars, star gazing. My mom was on another date, and I guess billies mom just never realises when he's gone, or maybe she just doesn't care.

He looked over back at me as he smiled lightly. I smiled back as I looked up at the stars.

I can't keep waiting around for something better. It's either tell him or let it suffocate my soul for the rest of my life.

This is the boy I've chosen to fall in love with. He was everything I needed him to be, and he was with me every day and yet never mine.

Some days we laughed until we cried, other days we cried until we laughed. But every day with him was perfect.

We laid Under the stars. In silence. But we didn't need to speak, we didn't need to force any sentences to come out. Because it wasn't the bad sort of silence.

Stop stalling. Just tell him.

And I still think it's a sad thing how it's so much easier to just say nothing at all.

But I learned this the hard way:
You either say how you feel and fuck up or say nothing at all let it fuck you up instead.

"Hey, Billie?" I said as I looked back over at him. He looked over at me.

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Course you can."

"Well, here goes," I whispered to myself as I sat up from my laying down position. I watched as he also did the same as I turned to him. Sitting crossed legged looking at him. I breathed in. "I don't how this is gonna come out, because I'm trying not to try too hard And speaking my feelings isn't my forte. But I think I should just tell you."

"Okay, go on."

I was sick of feeling like I couldn't breathe through these thoughts and my feelings. And I looked into his eyes and realised it wasn't just me. We both drowned under the waves of words we weren't saying.

Because we try to hide our feelings, but we forget that our eyes speak too.

I wanted him to know, but I just didn't want to tell him. Or how in fact to tell him.

"Payton? You zoned out." He said looking at me confused.

"I'm sorry." I laughed shaking my head. "Actually erm, I forgot what I was gonna say." I lied.

"Oh." He said. He looked away from me and tilted his head upwards to be met with the blanket of the stars above our heads.

I looked up too. I've given it a few tries to tell him, but nothing goes right in my times.

But we know we shouldn't even be here with each other right now.

I think I'm done, I think we're done, yeah this is done.

I looked over at him to tell him I was gonna head home. And I saw he was already looking at me. I smiled, and he returned his signature grin I had grown to adore. And all the while I was feeling butterflies crawling up the walls of my stomach, does it feel like this for him?

I love him, more than he'll ever know. All because I won't tell him.

Violets right, he'll never know how strongly I felt for him if I don't tell him. He's not a mind reader.