What a tragedy // Billie Joe Armstrong

[6] Two beds?

"Billie Joe you'll be okay," I laughed assuring him as I sat on my bed on the phone to him, trying to convince him he was okay to come over. My mom wasn't in, she was out. And well... Me and my mom were the only people who lived here.

"What if she has cameras?"

"Beej, she does not have cameras. Please just stop being an idiot and come round."

"But-"

"-no more buts. My house number is number sixteen and you know what street it is... Don't you?"

He sighed. "Yeah, the across the road from the little shop... right?"

"Bingo."

"Fine, I'm leaving my house now."

The call had ended as I looked around my room and made sure it was clear. I made both beds in it, shoved any shoes under any bed, put my dirty clothes in the dirty washing pile in my mom's room and took any plaits and what not downstairs.

After a while of waiting for Billie to knock on the door, finally, he did. I ran downstairs and let him in as he looked around.

"Cool house." He said taking it all in.

"Thanks," I said as I grabbed him by the arm and led him up the stairs. I pulled him into my room as he looked around.

"Wow.... big room." He said looking around. "Hey, you didn't tell me you had a sibling!" He said looking at the two beds in my room.

"Oh- erm- I don't." I felt a bubble rise in my throat. I felt like I was gonna throw up.

"But... the other bed?" He said pointing to the two beds in my room.

I guess I sort of forgot that he would notice it. It just seemed so normal to me.

"Did they move out?" He asked.

"Eh- no..."

"But-"

"-she died."

"Oh." Was all he said... he looked down at the floor sort of embarrassed. We went silent. "I'm sorry... I didn't realise." He said softly looking back up at me. I shook my head, I wasn't gonna cry... I had been over the story a million and one times in my head, I didn't cry anymore. Not unless I really went into it. Which I never needed to because I had never really told anyone. I mean no one really came into my room.

"No, that's okay," I said sitting on my bed, I patted a spot next to me for him to sit next to me. And he did... but things had gone awkward.

"We haven't gotta talk about it anymore if you don't want to." He said after a while.

I never got to talk about it. I never got to really tell anyone. I had only ever told myself a million times in the mirror, or at late hours at night when no one would listen or hear, or in my head. Maybe I did want to talk about it.

"I don't mind talking about it, I mean. I trust you... you can know if you want?"

"Really? You haven't got to tell me if you don't wanna."

"No, that's okay."

"Okay," he smiled. "Just please don't... cry or anything. I'm not really much help when people cry."

I laughed softly. "I won't cry."

"Okay... cool."

"I don't really know how to even start it... I've never actually had anyone to tell. Well, my sister was older than me by three years. And a few years ago I came home from school with the police at my house. And one took me out of the house as soon as I walked in, and told me she had... well told me she had killed herself."

He looked sort of shocked. Like he didn't know what to say. "I... I'm really sorry Payton, I kinda do understand how you feel, but I didn't realise you've been through so much." He whispered. I shook my head like he was being stupid.

But I guess I had been through a lot. Everyone just normally thought I was just whiny... and overdramatic. But I guess I did go through a lot.

"You think?" I asked.

"Well yeah, you've gone through a lot. You were so silent about all this I never knew you were suffering."

"You didn't have to realise," I assured him. I looked over at her bed.

"What was her name?"

"Addison. Y'know it sucks because I feel like life would be better if she hadn't done it. She would still be here and everything. But obviously, she's not, but I've got you." I smiled.

He slung an arm around me and pulled me close to him. "Of course you have me."

"I just wish she never did... obviously. I know it sounds horrible but I'm so fucking angry at her for doing it. I'm angry for her leaving me here on my own, I'm angry at her for not thinking about how much this would mess me up, I'm angry at her for not even saying goodbye, I'm angry at her for not thinking about what she would leave behind." I spoke. "But... I still love her. It's weird because when I was first told she did it, I was upset. But after a bit, I realised she had left me here to deal with my mom on my own. But I guess you realise no matter how angry or upset you are at anyone it won't bring anyone back."

And it did really fucking suck. And I wish that I could say the reason my mom acted the way she does was because of Addison's suicide. Because at least that would have some pity on my mom. But the twisted thing was... it was the other way around. And maybe it was dramatic of her to end her life. But she was the oldest. She got the worst of it, and she wanted to do things she couldn't. And she hated it. She always told me when I find someone I wanna be with... she wants me to make sure that that person is who I want. And not my mom. Even if that means someone she hates. And only now did I just make the connection to that and the boy next to me with his arm around me.

"She would've liked you y'know," I said to him.

"You think?"

"Yeah, obviously not in that way. But she would have liked how you were what my mom hated." I laughed.

"Well, I'm sure as hell what your mom hates I know that." He chuckled.

And that's when I realised.

He was everything my mom had warned me about, and my sister had encouraged me to find.

"Damn right you are," I replied, sort of laughing a little bit.

How the hell does that work, I had just gone from talking about my sister's suicide to laughing with him. And I couldn't tell if that was just what happens when you talk to someone else about a death or if that was just him.

But one feeling I couldn't shake of was that he understood how I felt. Like he knew the pain and the torment of loosing someone you love so dearly.

"Hey Beej," I said looking over to him.

"Yeah?"

"You said you sort of realised how I felt... have you ever-?" He cut me off.

"-my dad."

"He died?"

He nodded silently. Then spoke again. "Cancer."

I pulled him quickly into a hug, just felt like the most appropriate thing to do at the time. Hug him. He hugged me back even quicker as I felt him rest his head on my shoulder lightly.

Once we pulled away I saw he didn't Cry, but I still saw the pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry,"

"That's okay, its not your fault is it?" He laughed slightly.

"Well no, but I'm sorry you had to go through that."