Forever Live & Die

Chapter 3: My So-Called Life

Walang kaalam-alam si Treena sa binalak kong gawin ng bumalik ako ng umagang iyon sa apartment niya.

Nagulat lang siya kasi nasa harap na ako ng pinto at hinihintay na pagbuksan niya.

Niyaya pa nga niya akong kumain pero sinabi ko na kukunin ko na si Lego, ang orange tabby na alaga ko mula noong kuting pa lang ito.

Bago ako umalis, nagtanong siya ulit kung ayaw ko talagang mag-almusal.

Sinabi ko na hindi ako gutom.

I gave her a hug at binitbit ko ang carrier kung saan nakaupo ang alaga kong pusa.

"Hindi na naman ako nagtagumpay." Sabi ko kay Lego habang nasa biyahe kami.

Isang mahinang ngiyaw ang sagot niya.

Kinuwento ko sa kanya ang babae na pumigil sa balak ko.

Noon ko lang narealize na kahit mas maliit siya sa akin, malakas siya dahil nagawa niya akong ilayo sa umaandar na train.

"I failed again." Matamlay na hinagpis ko.

Minsan akong biniro na Treena na dapat tigilan ko na daw ang mga suicide attempts ko.

"Maybe it's the universe's way of telling you that you have to live."

I didn't find comfort in what she said.

Madali para sa kanya na sabihin ang ganun dahil hindi naman siya ang may mental illness.

Hindi naman siya ang nakakaranas ng mga matitinding depression or mania.

Hindi naman siya ang bigla na lang nagdesisyon na bumili ng Range Rover during one of my manic episodes.

"Do you think tama si Treena?" Nilingon ko si Lego na hinihimod ang front paw niya.

"Pang-ilang attempt ko na ba 'to?"

Hindi ko na mabilang.

I tried taking lots of sleeping pills pero pumunta si Ate Ruby sa apartment ko that morning na may dalang freshly-baked banana chocolate chip muffin.

Hindi ko nakain ang muffins.

I was hospitalized for two weeks miserable to be alive and still kicking.

"Ang kulit niya, Lego. Gusto niya pa akong ihatid kasi baka daw may mangyari sa akin pero wala na akong lakas para ituloy ang balak ko." Huminga ako ng malalim.

Sa totoo lang, I was angry at the girl.

Sinira niya ang lahat.

Kung wala sana siya nung time na yun, baka nagtagumpay ako.

Pero hindi lang naman ang timely presence ng mga tao ang pumipigil sa akin eh.

Pati ang katawan ko, hindi din nakikicooperate sa gusto kong mangyari.

Somehow, I always bounce back kahit pa anong gawin ko.

Narerevive ang puso ko at patuloy na tumitibok.

I have a scar to prove my futile attempts at ending my life.

Sa right wrist, there was a long scar when I slashed it with a really sharp razor.

Kapag nakikita ko ang pilat, I was reminded of the many times I tried and failed.

That was the very first time na sinubukan ko.

That was thirteen years ago.

Minsan, hindi ko maisip how I continue to exist.

Aside from Treena, I don't have a lot of friends.

To me, making and keeping friends is overwhelming.

You have to go out with them, entertain them, share the best part of your life.

You also have to be reliable and present—two things that are hard for me to do.

During my good days, I feel like I can do anything.

I can say yes to invitations, engage in conversations, be the life of the party.

But when the dark days come, I shut myself off.

Ayokong bumangon, ayokong makipag-usap, ayokong kumain.

I don't want to deal with the world or with myself because everything is too much.

When my condition worsened, ako na mismo ang nagdecide to take medications.

I was fourteen.

Ayaw pa ding pumayag ni Mama pero ako na mismo ang nakiusap.

Sinabi ko na kung gusto nila akong makasama ng matagal, allow me to take drugs.

Hindi na siya nakipagtalo pa.

I tried so many medications na minsan feeling ko, para akong lab rat.

It came to a point na tumigil ako  kasi I wasn't seeing any improvement in my condition.

It was a mistake.

The rollercoaster became uncontrollable.

The highs were higher and the lows even lower.

I had to start again.

I've been seeing the same therapist since dalaga pa siya.

She now has two kids.

I was even invited during her wedding.

Parang anak na din ang turing niya sa akin.

I have also seen other medical professionals who gave me coping strategies.

Yung iba nagagawa ko pero I have a problem with being consistent.

At kapag depressed ako, the last thing I want to do are those exercises.

Ang gusto ko lang, to get away from the world and from myself.

Pinarada ko ang sasakyan sa tapat ng gray and blue two-storey house na pag-aari ng parents ko.

Bitbit ang carrier, I rang the doorbell and waited for someone to open the door.

Pagbukas ng pinto, Mama was wearing a silk robe over her pajamas.

Hindi ko na kailangang magsalita.

Alam niya ang ibig sabihin kapag bigla na lang akong dumarating.

She let me in and gave me a hug.