Forever Live & Die

Chapter 5: Waiting To Exhale

Para sa karamihan, which mostly means my family, I was lucky to have Dean.

Good, old, reliable Dean.

We've been dating for four years at ilang beses na din siyang nagpahaging na gusto niyang magpropose pero lagi ko siyang pinipigilan kapag nararamdaman ko na meron siyang huhugutin sa bulsa niya na isang box na may lamang engagement ring.

Ilang beses na din akong nakipagbreak sa kanya hoping he would get the hint and find someone else.

It's not that I don't love him.

I just love myself more.

You see, mabait nga siya, maalalahanin at oo na, may itsura.

The problem was, he could be very controlling.

Minsan iniisip ko na lalo sigurong nadadagdagan ang pagiging controlling niya dahil sa mental illness ko.

I'm sure nalaman niya ang latest attempt ko dahil I have only been in my parents' house for three hours ng bigla siyang dumating.

Kitang-kita ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya.

I didn't like what I saw in them.

Alam na alam ko na kung ano ang magiging reaksiyon niya.

The first thing he would do was to ask if I'm okay.

Kapag sinabi kong yes, he would ask me again to make sure.

I have to show my annoyance para tumigil siya.

When I told him I booked an appointment with Dr. Patel, he insisted na samahan ako kahit pa may meeting sila sa araw na iyon.

Okay lang naman daw na he skipped the meeting since lagi naman siyang present for most of it.

Maiintindihan naman daw ng boss niya why he had to be with me.

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na Mama volunteered to come pero sinabi niya na gusto niyang samahan ako.

Pumayag naman si Mama ng magpaalam siya.

Kung ako ang masusunod, ayokong sumama siya.

But sometimes it's easier to agree.

Wala din naman akong energy na makipagtalo pa sa kanya.

Okay naman sana si Dean.

Ideal man ang tawag sa kanya ni Ate Ruby.

Kung single siguro siya, baka sinulot niya si Dean sa akin dahil lagi niya itong pinupuri.

But for a long time,  I feel suffocated.

God forbid I say that to his face dahil I'm sure sasabihin niya na it's my illness talking.

But what I feel for him has nothing to do with my mental condition.

Dumating na lang sa point na nagsawa na ako.

Or baka matagal na akong sawa pero lagi akong passive-aggressive when it came to him and our relationship.

A part of me wanted the security of being with someone.

The other part couldn't breathe.

We were opposites.

Whereas he was self-assured, ako, I'm directionless.

I always second guess myself dahil mas malimit na I couldn't determine whether I'm making the right decision or it was my mental illness making the decision for me.

I don't know where to draw the line anymore.

It's very frustrating.

Iniisip ko nga kung bakit he's with me.