Forever Live & Die

Chapter 10: Love And Death At The Breakfast Table

What's going on between Emerald and I was not a secret.

It's just something we chose not to name.

Baka kasi kung anong meron kami, mapre-empt kaya pinili namin na i-enjoy na lang ang company ng isa't-isa.

Pero ang totoo, the more I get to know her, the more I learn na I like her a lot.

Aside from being highly intelligent, inquisitive and funny, I feel more like myself kapag siya ang kausap ko.

Lahat napag-uusapan namin.

She is not weirded out by my morbid humor.

Sabi niya, I'm talking to someone whose mind is occupied by death and dying ninety-nine percent of the time so that makes me normal.

We both laughed at that.

I don't oppose or stop her whenever she talks about being normal.

I just listen.

I encouraged her thoughts and I can relate to that desire.

Sino ba naman ang ayaw ng buhay na hindi nakatali sa medications, therapy schedules, doctor's appointments and the dark thoughts that invade her mind all the time?

Sino ba naman ang may gusto na laging nahihirapan?

I also told her about Sheila.

It wasn't planned.

But she slept over one night at imbes na sa sofa ako matulog, she suggested we slept on my king-sized bed.

"It's big enough to accommodate both of us."

Nothing happened though.

Other than talking and holding hands, we woke up without any hanky-panky from the night before.

I told her about Sheila because she found the shoebox under the bed.

Nasa shower ako at ang sabi niya, nahulog ang isang hoop earrings na suot niya.

Sumuot sa ilalim ng kama and she touched something.

When she pulled it out, it was the shoebox with all the letters and photographs I thought I got rid of when I threw away Sheila's stuff.

To be fair, hindi niya binuksan.

Tinanong niya ako kasi she got curious.

We talked about my ex at the breakfast table.

Amidst the bread toasting, butter spreading and coffee brewing, kinuwento ko sa kanya kung ano ang nangyari.

When I got to the part where I told her how Sheila crossed a busy street, got hit and died on the spot, tumayo si Emerald to give me a hug.

I told her I hesitated telling her about that part because I was afraid it would give her an idea.

"You mean you're afraid I'm going to cross a busy street, get hit by a car and die?" Hindi siya kumurap.

"Yes."

"Believe me, Joy. I already tried that."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm still here aren't I?"

The way she said it made me laugh.

As in, tumawa ako ng tumawa hanggang sa maluha ako.

"You are so weird." Sabi niya bago kumagat sa toasted white bread.

"This coming from someone whose mind is obsessed with dying?" Banat ko naman.