I'm not a religious person.
Sa family namin, it was my father who was into organized religion.
He was raised Catholic at between him and my mother, siya itong masipag magsimba tuwing Sunday.
When I was a kid, okay lang sa akin kung gusto nila magsimba.
I don't really have a choice naman eh.
Kahit mas gusto kong manood ng cartoons or maglaro ng video games, hindi naman nila ako puwedeng iwanan mag-isa.
I go where they want me to go.
Things changed during my teenage years.
Lalo na when I began to explore my identity.
I was so afraid when I found out I was into girls.
It was a big no-no sa religion ni Daddy.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko sa sarili ko.
Conflict ang belief na nakasanayan ko sa nararamdaman ko.
Slowly, I withdrew from going to church.
Isa iyon sa malimit naming pag-awayan ni Daddy.
Hindi ko lang talaga mapagtagpo ang nangyayari sa akin sa paniniwala niya.
But it does not mean I don't believe in God.
I was thinking of God while I ran after Treena pabalik sa room ni Emerald.
Nakikiusap ako.
Humihingi ng milagro.
Matagal na akong hindi nagsisimba pero lagi akong nagdadasal pagkagising sa umaga at bago matulog.
Kapag natatakot ako o di kaya may gumugulo sa isip ko, hinihingi ko ang tulong niya.
Today was the most I ever prayed.
Alam ko ang gusto ni Emerald.
Pero alam ko din ang gusto ko.
"Kayo na po ang bahala." Taimtim na dasal ko.
May laban ba ako kung against fate?
Kung game over na ba talaga for Emerald, kung ito na ang katuparan ng matagal niya ng hiling, may magagawa ba ako?
I don't have powers over what's destined to happen.
Sana lang kaya kong i-handle ang mga regrets dala ng pagiging stubborn ko.
Sana lang kaya kong patawarin ang sarili ko for being selfish dahil sa pandededma na ginawa ko sa kanya before all of these happened.
I should have listened to my mother and Vanessa a long time ago.
They were always chastising me for being proud.
For putting up a wall that's nobody could reach.
Ang tigas ko daw talaga.
Hindi daw nila alam kung paano ko nakakaya na tinitiis ko sila.
"Lord, if you will give me one more chance, I will try to change that part of me." Natigilan ako.
"Lord, erase po ninyo iyong una kong sinabi. If you give me one more chance to be with Emerald, I will be a better person. Hindi po para sa akin kundi lalo na para sa kanya. Mahal ko po siya. Iyan ang totoo. Alam ko naman na alam niyo na ang bagay na iyan but I just want to clarify. Kung dumating po iyong time na matigas po ulit ang ulo ko o di kaya eh dinededma ko na naman siya, patamaan niyo ako ng kidlat para maalala ako ang moment na 'to. Pero please lang po. Huwag niyo muna siyang kunin sa akin. Gusto ko pa po siyang makilala. Gusto ko pa po pong malaman ang mga sikreto niya. Gusto ko ding makilala niya ako. Gusto ko pa po siyang makasama."
I stopped praying when we reached the room.
Emerald's mom was crying.
Her husband was trying to console her.
Treena asked Ate Ruby kung ano na ang nangyayari.
They were trying to resuscitate her.
Bigla daw nagflat line.
"How long have they've been in there?" Tanong ni Treena.
"Not long. More than fifteen minutes."
Tiningnan ako ni Treena habang kinakagat ang kuko sa hinlalaki.
In her eyes, I saw my own emotions.
Nanatili kaming nakatayo.
Gusto kong maglakad ng pabalik-balik pero baka lalo silang ma-stress kaya sumandal na lang ako sa pader.
Nakikiramdam.
Naghihintay.
Patuloy na nagdarasal.
I have only known Emerald for a few months.
But in that short time, naranasan kong maging masaya ulit.
Hindi naman ako humihiling ng forever eh.
It's too early to think of that.
One thing I learned when I was with Sheila was to enjoy the moment.
The present.
Ang sabi niya sa akin dati, we have to take life one day at a time.
Hindi naman daw natin alam kung magigising pa tayo kinabukasan.
Or if we would want to wake up the next day?
Or if there's a next day to wake up to.
Ganyan siya mag-isip.
For most people, it sounds so morbid.
Pero sa tulad niya who was depressed for most of her adult life, she knew what she was talking about.
That's also another thing I learned with Emerald.
Oo nga at nakakatakot ang magkaroon ng mental illness.
Nakakatakot ang madiagnose ng bipolar disorder.
But just like Sheila, Emerald also told me to live in the moment.
"I don't know when my next episode will happen." She told me before.
"I could be happy now. But who's to say na magiging masaya pa din ako bukas?"
I know she's tired.
Exhausted na sa struggle.
In the game of life and death, we don't really have a say.
We don't hold the cards anymore.
It's all up to the one who gave life.
The same one who could take it away.
Bumukas ang pinto at lumabas ang doktor.
He was tall, muscular.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and on top of his balding head.
He had a somber look on his face.
I tried to stand up straight pero nanghina ang tuhod ko.
Napakapit tuloy ako sa pader.
The doctor asked for the family of Emerald.
Lumapit si Ate Ruby.
Sumunod na lumapit ang magulang nila at si Kuya Jett.
Lumapit din si Treena.
I stood a few feet apart and listened to what he had to say.
BINABASA MO ANG
Forever Live & Die
General FictionThe only thing that Emerald wanted was to die. TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains depictions of suicide. *** All rights reserved. No part of this work may be published, distributed, extracted, re-utilized, or reproduced in any material form, incl...
