Complicated.
If someone were to ask how I would describe myself, yan ang isasagot ko.
Dahil yan ang totoo.
Bago nangyari ang first suicide attempt ko, ramdam ko na may kakaiba sa akin.
Unlike my siblings and my friends, I was overly sensitive as a kid.
Madali akong umiyak, madali akong matakot, madali akong sumuko.
I remembered I got sick the very first time I went to school.
Nakakatakot kasi yung grade school teacher.
She looked so stern with her thick round glasses, tight bun, and drab ensemble which was black pencil-cut skirt and neatly-pressed white top which was buttoned up to her neck.
The first time I saw her, napalunok ako.
When she took my hand, I thought I was being taken away from my family.
When I was properly diagnosed, lalong naging complicated ang buhay ko.
Hindi ko kasi matanggap.
Ayokong maging bipolar.
Ayoko ng mental illness.
Gusto kong maging normal.
Ang sabi ni Mama, makakatulong daw sa aming lahat ang diagnosis dahil alam na namin ngayon kung ano ang dahilan.
Hindi gumaan ang loob ko.
I didn't find comfort in the fact that there's something wrong with me, with my brain and my fucking mental function.
As a teenager, how do I tell my friends?
How do I explain my depression?
How do I make them understand that despite my sickness, I'm still the same person na nakilala nila dati?
I'm still the same thoughtful, generous and affectionate friend who remembers everyone's birthday.
How do I not scare them off?
Slowly, I changed.
I withdrew from them.
Hindi kasi ako laging makasama sa mga lakad nila lalo na kapag inaatake ako ng depression.
I couldn't go to the movies or the mountains.
I could barely get out of bed.
It was only Treena who stayed.
She visited and insisted na kausapin ko siya.
Hindi daw siya aalis.
Kung kinakailangang maghintay siya sa harap ng pinto, gagawin niya.
It was the dead of winter.
I couldn't let her die from frostbite.
Inamin ko sa kanya ang lahat.
Sinabi ko kung ano ang nangyayari.
She listened without judgment.
We cried together.
Niyakap niya ako and she gave me a promise.
Kahit anong mangyari, hindi niya ako iiwan.
That day I knew she was my first love.
We built a relationship.
She helped me live.
Hawak kamay naming hinarap ang challenges ng buhay.
BINABASA MO ANG
Forever Live & Die
General FictionThe only thing that Emerald wanted was to die. TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains depictions of suicide. *** All rights reserved. No part of this work may be published, distributed, extracted, re-utilized, or reproduced in any material form, incl...
