Forever Live & Die

Chapter 9: Bipolar Disorder 101

Mental illness is not only difficult for those who have it but also for their loved ones.

At least for those who chose to stay, offer support and unconditional love.

For those who do not understand, I would probably come off as normal.

Dahil kapag wala akong manic or depressive episodes, I am the most charming person you'll ever meet.

Amiable and friendly, always willing to help.

Sa oil and gas office kung saan matagal na akong nagwowork as an administrative assistant, I was known to be congenial.

Hindi mahirap pakisamahan at madali din akong pakiusapan lalo na when it had something to do with doing overtime or taking over someone's work when they're absent.

That is because walang may alam tungkol sa bipolar disorder ko.

My therapist, Dr. Patel, made me choose.

Sabi niya, it's up to me kung gusto kong sabihin sa mga coworkers ko.

I just have to be prepared for the consequence.

Hindi lahat ng tao, magiging understanding.

There is the also the stigma that comes from having a mental illness.

Pag-isipan ko daw mabuti.

I chose not to tell them anything.

Natakot kasi ako na baka people would treat me differently.

Kaya naman when I have my depressive episodes, ang hirap magtrabaho.

First of all, ayokong pumasok.

Yung sinasabi nila na I have to literally drag myself out of bed, totoo iyon.

I don't want to drag myself out of bed.

Ang gusto ko lang, matulog at magtago.

My bed is my safe space at kapag pilit mo akong inalis dun, I panicked.

I always used up my sick days.

Kapag naubos na, I just suck it up and not get paid.

Nagbayad ka na nga for a doctor's note, hindi ka pa kumita kasi hindi ako pumasok.

It was a good thing na Mama taught us to save money nung mga bata pa kami or else hindi ko alam kung saan ako kukuha ng mga pambayad ng bills.

It's a crap shoot to be honest.

Namumuroblema ka na nga kung anong gagawin sa sarili mo, iniisip mo pa kung yung savings ko will be enough to get me through the dark days.

I don't like those days.

Those are the hardest to combat dahil everything is low.

Mababa ang self-worth ko and during those times, doon din pumapasok ang mga negative thoughts.

Like killing myself for instance.

When I'm down, that's when I feel more tired.

Not just of life but of everything.

That's when I want to put an end to my suffering.

I considered moving to Switzerland or Belgium.

Legal kasi dun ang medically assisted suicide.

I never told anyone about this.

It requires a lot of preparation.

Isa pa, I'm sure my mother will be very upset.