Forever Live & Die

Chapter 21: (Forever) Live & Die

I like lists.

Impluwensiya iyan ni Mama.

Siya kasi itong mahilig gumawa ng mga lista-lista.

Hindi puwedeng pumunta sa grocery ng walang listahan.

Mas maigi daw na isulat ang mga kailangan para siguradong wala kaming makakalimutan.

Hindi naman daw kasi katulad sa Pinas na kapag may nakalimutan ka, may sari-sari store na pwedeng takbuhan.

Dito, you have to drive to get to the store.

Even in the age of mobile phones and apps, gusto niya ang paper list.

Mas madali lang niyang matandaan kesa magkakalikot pa siya sa phone niya.

When I recovered from the accident, the first thing I did was to make a list.

I called it Emerald and Joy's Bakit List.

Bakit bakit?

Why not use the more traditional Bucket List?

Kasi, I associate a bucket list with the things you want to do before you die.

After my accident, I decided to change how I see and live my life .

It's funny dahil since I was thirteen, I was hell bent on ending it all.

I gave up  dahil sobrang nahihirapan na ako.

Sa mga hindi nakakaranas ng pinagdaraanan ko, they couldn't tell that something was wrong with me.

Wala naman kasing physical manifestations and mental illness.

At dahil walang tangible proof, it was so easy for most people to assume that nothing is wrong with me.

What's hurtful is when they say it's all on my head.

Like I didn't know that already.

It's in my head nga talaga kasi I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

But it wasn't so much the tragedy that made me rethink how I live but something, no, someone.

I know it's risky to invest your happiness in one person.

What if mawala ang taong iyon? Paano na ako? What's going to happen to me? What am I going to do?

With my condition, it's a big undertaking.

But I want to take that risk.

With Joy.

When I look back on what happened, my old self would probably be begging for that release.

At last, I am finally getting my wish.

I can almost taste the end.

But perhaps I was right when I said that death didn't want me.

Because if it wanted to, I could have died right there.

Or on the way to the hospital.

Agaw-buhay na ako eh.

50/50 na.

Critical.

They needed ten bags of blood.

That's how much I lost.

But death and I were playing this game since I was thirteen.

I have been losing to the grim reaper.

Maybe he or she or it wanted to be the ultimate champion.

Because instead of me dying, I was comatose.