Mentors

49

As I knock on the door of my friend's compartment, I can't help but feel nervous. What do I say? How do I manufacture words of encouragement? Peeta stands beside me, and he gently grabs my hand. I ask him if he should be here. "What do you mean?" He furrows his eyebrows in question. "I don't know, it's just that the love of his life is being imprisoned in the Capitol." I whisper. Before we can further second guess Peeta's involvement in the visit, the compartment abruptly opens, revealing Finnick.

I haven't seen him since I blew up on Coin. Even then, he didn't look that well. Now, his eyes are puffy, his face is a little swollen. His grey jumpsuit is two sizes too big for him. His hands acquire a few feet of rope. My eyes widen. He notices my immediate concern, and raises the item up, shaking it slightly. "It's for tying knots," he informs me. His voice is raspy and small, as if those were the first words he has said in a while. He steps aside, gesturing for us to come in. The place is far from clean, but we don't mind. Peeta occupies a small stool next to him, and I stand in the corner.
Peeta clasps his hands together, giving a long, cheerful sigh before speaking. "Hey, buddy."
Finnick doesn't answer, but begins to tie the rope. His sore hands indicate that he has been at this task for some time. We both watch him for a moment.
"Where did you learn to do that?" I ask him gently, admiring the work of the neat, intricate knots. He is overcome with alertness, suggesting he has forgotten about our presence. "Back at-" he pauses to cough, trying to clear his throat. His voice still comes out hoarse. "Back at home. Fishing district, remember?"
I simply nod at his answer. He unties the knot just as easily as he made it, before starting up again. A long silence overcomes us.
"Oh. I almost forgot." I reach into my pocket, and struggle to take out the small box of sugar cubes. I know I can get into serious trouble, as I recently found the box while hiding in some sort of storage closet near the kitchens, trying to get away from everything. I usually find myself in random places I shouldn't be in when I am trying to avoid my responsibilities. It's selfish.
I toss the box to him, waiting for some sort of reaction. It lands into his lap, and he doesn't hesitate to examine it. A small smile creeps up onto his face, as he slightly shakes his head. It only lasts for a few seconds.
"They took her. Annie. No doubt she's being tortured by Snow," he mumbles after a while, staring at the floor.
"We're going to get her out. I promise." Peeta responds.
"I wouldn't go around making promises you can't keep."
"He's right, Finnick. They're going to assemble a rescue squad soon enough, then we will get the tributes and victors out of there."
This prompts him to perk his head up.
"A rescue team, huh? Who would be in it?"
"Volunteers, presumably." Says Peeta. Finnick makes a face, obviously not trusting any potential volunteers.
"I'll go." They both look at me. Finnick shakes his head, as he exhales a breathy laugh.
"I appreciate the gesture, but you're too valuable, Everdeen."
"If I ask, they'll surely let me go with them to the Capitol."
"I would go myself, Katniss. You know that. I just don't know if it's possible. We can certainly try, but I doubt they'll let us onto a mission like that, given how important you are in this war, and me being a wreck."
"I can do it. On my own, even." I assure him.
"I trust that you'd get them out, but it's everyone else in this god forsaken place who I worry about. It's difficult to know who to trust." Says Finnick. Peeta remains silent. He stares at me, confused. I tell Finnick that I will try to be commander of the mission, and I will make him my second if I'm approved. He gives me a hopeful nod. Kolton and Annie will get out of the Capitol, and I will be the one to make sure it happens. 

As Peeta and I walk through the narrow hallways, I sense tension. He still says nothing to me. However, know what he's thinking. "Okay, Peeta. Just say it." He glances at me and then up at the ceiling as we walk. He hesitates before letting out a soft sigh.
"I don't think you should go."
"Yep. There it is. I knew it."
"I'm serious, Katniss. It's way too dangerous."
"It's not exactly safe here either. All of Panem is our battlefield. They bombed us here, remember?"
"We both know that 13 is the safest place for us right now. If it wasn't, then there would be no rescue mission in the first place."
"I'm not following." I look at him.
"Yes you are."
"No, I don't think I am."
"Where we are now is way safer than the Capitol. You're just avoiding an argument."
"Im not avoiding anything...Fine, you are right. The Capitol is not as safe as here. But that doesn't change my mind about going."
"I don't get you, Katniss!" He stops walking and turns to me. I wasn't expecting him to raise his voice. He rarely ever does.
"You can't keep risking your life to protect people! I get you want to help but you have done more than enough. You're so focused on everyone else that you haven't been helping yourself. You need to start being more selfish."
"But I am selfish." I argue, sitting on the floor, defeated and angry. I lean my head back against the wall, and he just stands over me.
"You're far from selfish. Would a selfish person volunteer for their sister? Would they illegally hunt in the woods every day to feed their family? Surround Rue in flowers? Make sure the tributes were rescued from the quarter quell before the war, travel to District 12 just to deliver a bomb warning? Would they threaten to eat nightlock berries just so that we both can live?"
"That's enough," I mumble. But he keeps going.
"Don't test me, I could do this all day. Would a selfish person take care of someone else's baby without question while also being the Mockingjay? I truly don't think you're selfish."

"None of that matters anymore. I'm the reason we're all in this mess." I whisper, on the verge of tears. I don't let any out, but I know Peeta sees the distress in my eyes.
"Do you really think that you're the reason for this war?" He asks me.
"That's exactly what I think."
He finally gives in and sits next to me.
"You can deny this all you want, but you're not the cause of this. It's President Snow."
"No... It was me and the berries. Maybe if I had just died in the arena then we would-"
"Then we would still be sending kids off to the hunger games every year. On top of all that, everything you did during the games saved the both of us. Even if they had never lifted the rule, you still would have gone home to your sister. I know for a fact you could have given Panem a good show by killing me after Cato died, but you didn't."
"I could have never killed you." I state.
"So there we have it. You're not selfish. Case closed."
"What's the point of you saying this?" I ask, my hands shaking as I bring them to my knees.
"Well now I'm bringing it back to you volunteering yourself to get killed in the Capitol."
"I'm not going to get-" I try and justify myself, but he interrupts. I don't know where I was going with that excuse anyway.
"Listen to me, Katniss. You're the Capitol's number one target. Raina and I are right up there with you. If you were captured by Snow, there's no doubt your head will be detached from your body and put on a spike for all of Panem to see! " I look up at him, raising my eyebrows at his temper in the last sentence.
"I just.. can't stand the thought of it." He says, this time softly.
I think for a moment. About him and Raina also being targets. Yes, Peeta was part of the stunt with the berries. That's only because I instigated it. But Snow might not know that, or care. But I shift my thought; how could he possibly be out for Raina's blood? Then I remember. She spent a lot of her time in the arena openly speaking out against Snow and the games. There's a chance Snow didn't take her words with a grain of salt.
"My actions no longer come back to any of you. The worst has already happened. We're at war. What I do now is on me." I say.
"You're missing my point. People care about you, okay? Dying on them is... selfish."
"You just told me to be selfish." I point out.
"Be selfish in a harmless way, Katniss. How about you take time to care for yourself, instead of running off and getting killed.. or worse, captured." He argues right back.
"This is all confusing me, Peeta." I hit my forehead against my knee.
He gets my attention again by quickly taking both of my hands. There's a sense of urgency and desperation within this action. He squeezes them tightly and holds them up to his chest.
"You need to promise me that you won't go."
"Peeta."
"Please. Promise me." He releases one hand and moves it to rest on my cheek. The look in his eyes tell me that he's worried that his words won't be enough to convince me. Even so, I know for a fact that I love him. Part of loving him should mean staying with him, like he is asking me to. However, I know he could lead this rebellion without me. And I know I could get Kolton and Annie out of capture in the Capitol, even if there's no guarantee of my return.
"Okay," I whisper, "I won't go."
Peeta lets out a small a sigh out of relief, and smiles widely at me. It is, without question, the best smile in the world. The same one that gave me butterflies as we hunted for food in the games. The same smile that's always there when I wake up in the morning. I smile back, guiltily. I still have thinking to do on this. I lean in, closing the gap between us. As I press my lips to his, I can't help but think.
I might have just lied.