Just My Soul Responding.

Chapter I: 3 a.m. Thoughts.

'Hi, its 3 a.m. I am sure you know what would happen now! Let us indulge in prophecies about my thoughts and emotions so we can get overwhelmed with horrifying anxieties. Sounds fun right.'

It really puzzles me how we do that to ourselves. We keep stressing out then try so hard to suppress it.

'Go ahead; feel free to share with me anything you want. What fear are you having tonight?'

'Well, on occasions like this I am stressing out about some things. I envision myself as one of those god-forsaken souls whose terrible fortune doomed them to spend the rest of their lives in complete solitude, completely lonely. I am afraid to become like those people, completely senseless about the people around me. I am terrified that I will be completely forgotten in life as well as in death. I am petrified to be like those people who are buried in their daily routine, who are engulfed with a cruel silence that afflicts those who have nobody to have a word with or worse who chooses silence over friendly chat with a loved one. If one have a loved one after all. Those people doesn't even dare to think thoughts like this out loud, they tried so hard to escape them they eventually become them.'

'Can I ask why are you envisioning yourself to be like those people? How likely is this to come true?'

'Well of course, I have no rational reason to feel this way, but are human fears and anxieties rational after all? Let alone the fears that comes to you at 3 a.m. in the morning. My thoughts are just scenarios of different unlikely catastrophes, which I embed on myself to be highly probable. Maybe these worries are habits in the working and I am just doing what my mind thinks should be doing at times like this. Either way, I beg for you to let me continue.'

'My apologies please go on.'

'I do not see myself just like what I described only. I also fear outliving everyone I love or care about, and be the last to perish. I fear that nobody will witness my life story after I have witnessed everybody else's. Do you see my point?'

'Your existential thoughts kindled my heart. All humans feel at some point this way, even though you are technically not human but don' worry it is our little secret. All humans share these fears; the difference is everyone articulates it differently. Isn't this indeed one of the greatest and deepest of all human fears?'

'What would this great life mean if the crowds are gone and the curtain is about to close with no one to applaud or to appreciate us? We already feel bad enough even when this doesn't happen, can you imagine this terrible fate if it occurred? After all most of the time, we feel unworthy audience of our own play! So here you are, imagining a situation where nobody triggers your emotions and you are left with memories of your past, but having nobody to attest to it.'

'You do understand me! This fear paralyzes me. I cannot decide which of these fears I fear the most: this one or being completely forgotten. This knowledge of me not knowing scares the shit out of me.'

'You seem to have a bit of Athazagoraphobia, which is completely normal almost everybody think of it sometimes. This fear and almost all other forms of fear is nothing but a way to suppress the recognition of your own mortality in the form of you imagining the loss of people you care about the most. After all, their existence served you to conceal this fact, so their absence for sure will force you to face the inevitability of your demise sooner than you probably would like to. Nevertheless, take a moment here and realize how our mind is working, how great our thoughts are. We are magnificent indeed. Just the fact that you are having thoughts like this is wondrous. Too bad most people won't see it this way if they really know.'

'It is indeed, but are you saying that all these thoughts are actually a way to express the fear of my own perish?'

'Correct. As natural your feelings are know this, one's courage is attested by the capacity of accepting death. Remember that death is the absence of this life, since we have no definite knowledge of what's happen after one demise. We cannot let fear swallow us. All we know is that when people die their life as we know it cease to exist. Remember that this is just a journey and when it ends, you start another one. The perception of this is that we are just human beings waiting for decay needs to be broken, because we are more than that, we always has been more than that. We are more than a name, more than a race or sexuality. We are consciousness. We are infinite awareness.'