Just My Soul Responding.

Chapter IX: The Split Self.

'Hey Man! How's life?'

'I don't know man, I guess it is alright. Just dealing with stuff like any other human being and I have been sleeping a lot lately. At least my insomnia went away, right?'

'Don't go that road, you don't want depression to come back, trust me.'

'What if depression never went and why should I trust, aren't you after all just the voice in my head? So technically you are just a-know-it-all version of me, nobody likes a know-it-all trust me trust me. I don't like you.'

I continued walking down the road heading to my favorite spot in town. I realized that everything is changing. The streets of Algiers just four hours ago used to be full now they are deserted. It is 3 a.m. already. I have to be honest the city looks damn good like this. Anyways, I don't know why I am thinking about this I never had a big problem with change specially with these presidential elections that are coming soon. I am not that into politics and I know nothing will change in this country. Even though I call myself an Anarchist but for me the political way is not and will never be a visionary way. I am feeling so weird lately, the mind is a very weird place, topics and topics keeps getting in and it feels I never had a true moment of silence. Thoughts like this gets me anxious and I always end up drowning in self-hatred.

I reached my favorite bench and sat down. I gazed at the beautiful picturesque, the white building, the big boats leaving the port and on top of the hill the beautiful Monument of the Martyr's with its night lights of green and red and white. I started to really investigate why I am feeling so depressed lately I had various answers from self-hatred to routine and everything in between, it is a lot of options but I have never felt this depressed before I have to do something about it.

'May I say something?'

'No you may not. You are one of the reasons I am feeling down. Now thinking about it, you are the bad voice inside my head always judging and teasing. ''What is up with that haircut mate. God your skin looks so awful, you have spots all over your forehead and your nose is so big. You are so ugly. You look like an asshole. Why are you smiling at her you never smile in real life? Oh god is that your voice, you sound terrible mate. You know what you should do, you should nail your front door shut and wait till you bloody die..." Should I continue reminding you? Now, I am thinking about this I finally know what to call you, how's Mr. Not Good Enough sounds like? You appear in disguise as the voice of reason, the voice of common sense or the wise philosopher but when I stop and I think about it for a second, I realize all you ever told me is that I am not good enough.'

'Well that sounds bloody awful and I have no response for that. Oh look at this I am still talking. I see you are losing the so called control you believed you had, Oh please. You have no control whatsoever over me and I know that name you just called me with, will not be around for long.'

'I am essential, I am necessary, I am vital. You cannot get rid of me and that is not just my words, you see English philosopher Simon Critchley also said that. He thinks that the self has two parts; the part we experience a.k.a. you and the little voice who plays many roles a.k.a. me. He also thinks that little voice will never fully go away. He doesn't mean that you can never be happy or satisfied; a person can learn how to have a better relationship with himself which I strongly suggest for you to do so. Trust me, you don't want to mess with me and you can believe that.'

'Well that sucks, because most of the time you are a complete asshole and you just can't stop talking for god sake. Just stop talking for once. Just shut up. It is really hard to shut you up. And by the way, you can throw your philosophy on me as much as you want; trying to hit me with this Split Mind Theory where we criticize and give ourselves certain rules and standards and hold ourselves to them won't work. Plus, you already know I don't understand Immanuel Kant, I don't think I will ever do so you can save your breath. I am curious though, where do you come from? Where do you even get your ideals from? Because Simon Critchley pays attention to this question but mainly when it plays the role of moral conscience. I want to know what happens to you, my other self, when you start to act like a complete asshole? Or start telling me lies and bad things? That's what I really want to explore. That' why I want to answer those few questions because you Mr. Not Good Enough, you are not playing the role of a moral conscience; which you are perfectly capable of doing by the way. Instead, you are highly critical and to be honest just an unkind fuck. You keep calling me those names and all.'

'Because you are, ugly-face.'

'What the fuck is wrong with you? You see, you do this quite a lot and it is very demoralizing. When I look back at all of this I see half the time when I was really at my lowest hitting rock-bottom, you were telling me I am good enough, I am doing fine, you always wanted me to stay down. The other times, you always make me think and see myself from the perspective of somebody who really hates me, you transform into my arch enemy. You always lie and I want to get to the bottom of this. I know you are not going to help me. But I will learn how to shut you up and I will get to the bottom of all of this.'

'You are right I am not going to help you at all. Good luck in your quest, you will fail like always by the way. I am telling you, you will never get rid of me. You should just accept whatever I choose to say, whenever the fuck I want to say it and that's it. I mean do you remember even a moment when I wasn't there?'

'We both know I won't accept that. You see; you disappear every time I am with Maissa. Well, also remember when we went to Włodawa that small town in the eastern Poland borders that's beautiful town. It was so snowy that day and I remember when I got there with my friends, and we saw how small and empty the town is; you started screaming that I came here for nothing and I have just wasted my time coming. But then we started walking through the woods so near the river that separated Poland from Belarus; the river was calm and cold, the trees were all filled with snow, and then we saw hundreds of ducks forming the most beautiful image. My friends and I tried to lit up a fire, we smoked and we were so bloody cold. I was so happy at that time. I had a cigarette, music, good company and one of the most beautiful views I have ever seen. I realized then how you lie about mostly everything. I realized that the trip was so worth it. And for like a two short hours I was lost in beauty without you. I am planning to get rid of you as I did back then.'

'It is true, I think it is one of the reasons people look at art or create it. It is something that happens that pulls you into the present moment and just make people focus on that experience, whether it is sunsets, a painting, a piece of music , a good book..., or gazing into the eyes of a loved one. It shuts the inner critique for a second. I know that's why you have been meditating quite a lot because it gives a similar experience. You are failing to mention that all of this is temporary quieting so I am not worried at all. You will simply never win the war I can allow you to win a battle or two but never the war.'

'Perhaps, you are right and I will never win but be sure I can create and develop this sense of flow, enjoyment and a great pleasure in the day-to-day pursuit. If all my pursuits of getting rid of you failed miserably, I will come for you. I will change you completely and you can believe that.'

I got back to the present moment and I realized it is Fajr time already, the sun is about to rise. I decided to stay and see the sunrise. As it was going up it hit the water in just the right way that turned the whole sea into this incredible mild orange gold color. It was like an ocean of autumn. I realized that I have been sitting here for a while now and I haven't even bothered to appreciate this beautiful view I am seeing. I am realizing that getting rid of him won't be easy at all. I sensed I was getting angry and frustrated even though I am here seeing this amazing view, feeling some sort of alive and still cannot help but get angry. This is going to be really hard.

I opened my Instagram and wrote a text to Maissa, I just can't deal with the fact that I am not with her right now. I am constantly missing her. My heart is aching. I cant wait any longer. I told her how much I miss her and how lucky I am to know her. I sent her a link of a song called -Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys. I got up and headed back to the apartment, still hoping tomorrow will be better.

Art by: Jungwan Chae.