Just My Soul Responding.

Chapter XI: The Calm After the Storm

"...Once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about." 

                                                                                         -Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore.

There is always the potential of conflict. That is what I am learning about myself. We all go through different narratives in life and like in any story conflict will be there. I realized that this person who is living with me inside have a different narrative, different values and different perspectives. I am all supportive to some conflict or some level of adversity and criticism but going insane is not one of them.

'Don't forget you are a wreck. You are addicted to worrying, even if everything is going alright you invent new reasons to worry. Like what is happening with you and Maissa. You will screw things up I know it.'

It has been almost a month since I tried to end my life. I went on a trip last week to the eastern parts of Algeria; it reminded me how beautiful the world is. It made me think how funny and how sad it would have been, because if I went through with what happened on that rooftop I would have never seen those beautiful views. I would have never appreciated or felt the things that I have felt there. I would have never had this feeling of gratitude right now. Although the war is still there inside my head, I am starting to bounce back from all of this. I realized that traveling makes the war go away but unfortunately, I can't travel all the time, I need to find another solution. Yesterday the war inside was intense, it didn't allow me to sleep much. I knew running away from this won't help at all. I need to face this or nothing will change. I am still in my bed still searching for a way to deal with this battel because I knew if I am doing this it will be tough.

I realize that if I am going to face this thing inside, I need to do this right. I must put all of my efforts today in just that. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. 'You got any suggestion? I want to destroy you today.'

..........

'Look who is quite. I thought you loved to talk.'

'I do but only when I choose to.'

'Maybe you can do a dopamine detox. I will make sure nothing will distract you or allow you to run from your real self.'

'How generous of you. But a full day without technology, work, exercise, reading or listening to music? I wonder if you are tricking me.'

'Maybe you can add no sugar too. I don't want you to escape to food. I mean why not? Your whole life feels like a series of experiments anyway.'

'I mean it is going to be tough. I will be facing a lot of things like my fear of boredom, the maddening feeling of not getting anything done and not doing my routine which is an escape from you. Damn.'

I got up, I made coffee and I realized how hard it is not to do the usual morning routine. I almost put music on, but I didn't and the voices just kept coming. I decided to do an one hour meditation session. I don't know if this counts as an escape but I couldn't handle the noise inside. I needed to concentrate on something else and I thought perhaps my breathing will do. After a good one-hour meditation session, I went to the balcony and gazed at the clouds. I sat there for a long time. At least that what it felt like but apparently time is standing still. It is only 11 a.m. and I am getting mad already.

'Perhaps time doesn't pass anyway. Have you ever thought about it? I mean let's think about the word "here", there is no property of "here-ness" right? if one can say. Therefore, you are here in your balcony, and someone is there outside. The world "here" is what philosophers call indexical. A word whose meaning changes depends on who uses it.'