Beyond Our Lies

t h i r t y f o u r

"What the fuck? Are you okay?" I sputtered out question after question as I grasped his wrist and took him in our home. Heading towards the bathroom, I made him sit on the counter as I got out the items needed to clean him up.

"I don't know anymore, June." Xander's silence ceased and I immediately stopped searching through the drawers once I heard the despair in his voice. It broke me. I put my two fingers on his chin and made him look at me, like he always did to comfort me. The skin around his eyes would darken significantly, his bottom lip was already swollen and busted, his cheeks were covered in red marks, and his actual eyes were red from crying. I brushed his black strands of hair out of his face and wrapped my arms around him. Xander returned it and held onto me as if I was going to disappear or leave him as soon as he let go.

After a few minutes, I carefully leaned out of his grasp and smiled at him before gathering the medicinal items needed. Once I found them, I scooted closer to him and began wiping off the dried blood around his lip. Then, I fixed him up just a tad bit more. During the entirety, he sat there in silence, staring at me with watered eyes.

When I was done, I grabbed his tough hand before walking to the living room. Xander sat down and I excused myself before coming back with an additional spoon. Despite his situation, he glanced towards the spoon and the already out ice-cream and produced a minuscule laugh. I smiled at that fact and plopped down across from him on the couch, giving us space but still close enough to comfort him if need be.

We ate the ice-cream in silence for ten or so minutes before I put it back up, acknowledging that I desperately wanted to know who hurt him.

Xander flickered his forest eyes everywhere except the direction I was in. "My dad he uh- ever since I was alive, he was emotionally and physically abusive to my mom. When she was still around, I would take the damage for her at any chance I could. She realized that her staying was just getting me hurt more since I wouldn't let my dad touch her so... she left. At first it was the exact same, I would still get hurt but for different reasons. That is, until his new girlfriend came along. She sort of calms him, I guess? I don't know. But even then, he would still emotionally torture me." His voice was wavering and I reached out for his hand, tightening my hold once I had it.

"I've always been terrified of my dad. I'd never admit it to anyone else but I'm fucking terrified of him. You know how everyone at school would think I was in a gang because of my busted face or bruised knuckles? No, it was him all along. I guess I started getting used to the idea of him not hitting me lately and began making snide remarks and shit like that. Today, something in me snapped during dinner. It was like he completely forgot about me and my mom. He treats his girlfriend's kid more of a son than he does to me. I got pissed off and told him the truth; that I hated him, he was a shit dad, and I understood why mom left. He did this and threatened to kill me if I didn't leave his sight. You were the first person I thought of so I came straight here."

I was about to console him when he bitterly laughed. "You probably think I'm a pussy, huh? That I'm some pussy who cries because of his dad and acts emotional." He pulled his hand out of my grasp and stood up. He began pacing around and I would be lying if I said he didn't terrify me. "God, why did I have to come here!" He grabbed one of the small vases on the bookshelf and threw it at the wall opposite of me.

The shattering surrounded the room, making me jump. Tears were now streaming down my face but I had to tell myself that he wasn't going to hurt me, that his anger wasn't directed at me. Even with fears and doubts clouding my mind, I stood up and ran in front of him. I held onto his wrists to resist him breaking anything else. He stared at me with his own personal tears trailing down his cheeks. "Xander, baby, please listen to me. You are anything but weak. You do not deserve any bullshit your dad spews at you, no matter if you believe so or not. You do not need to hide your emotions or bottle them up. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to want a loving family. You shouldn't be hurt because of your wants."