New Jersey Boys

idk what to call this but read if you want

before we start i'd like to say that what i'm gonna talk about may be triggering so please keep that in mind.

so this was a tiktok i made today. it's what depression has done to me personally. i've been hiding how i've felt since i was in 7th grade, i'm now a sophomore(10th), and no one ever noticed, and if they did they didn't care enough to say anything. i never told my parents what i was feeling and only really talked to my friends about it. since then, all those friends have left me and never cared that they did, making my trust issues sky rocket. i've been bullied by kids i considered my friends, random kids i went to school with, a 50 year old woman, and even my family. a lot of people think that emotional abuse isn't as bad as physical abuse but it is. it fucks you up mentally to the point where you can't even function. i can't even take a compliment from someone without thinking that their messing with me. i constantly feel like i'm not enough and i'm worthless. my insecurities have made me miss so many great opportunities because i felt fat or ugly or thought i was annoying and a burden. i've gone through all this alone because i won't let anyone in anymore because i think they'll leave just like everyone else. every bestfriend i've had has left me. every friend i've had has left me. sometimes it feels like even my own family has left me. i wish that i could go back to when i was happy. go back to when i didn't care what others think of me and not be scared of what my family will say. only one of my cousins know about what i've been feeling. he's been there too. it feels like he's the only person i can talk to. he knows what it's like to just wanna go somewhere with a blade, a rope, some pills, a knife, a cliff, or a gun and just end it all. i feel like if i tell my parents they'll hate me and leave me just like everyone else. i wanna be able to tell them things like the fact i'm bisexual or that i have smoked and not fear that they'll kick me out. i wanna feel emotions again because most of the time i just feel numb since i've been pushing away every feeling i've ever had since 7th grade. i wanna be able to trust someone. i wanna have friends who don't leave me. i wanna have someone who loves me for me and not who i'm pretending to be. i wanna be able to express all this to my family. but i can't. i can't have any of that because of how broken i've become.

back in january i finally came forward to my school with some of my friends of this boy who was our "friend" who took advantage of us. he would constantly grab our boobs or our ass and even our vagina. he would try and play it off as a joke and we were too scared to tell him to stop because of the things he had told us, so it had gone on for a few months before we went to the school. when we reported it to the office, they told our parents. my dad pulled me out of school early that day. he yelled at me the whole way home. telling me i should of stopped it. telling me i should of told him no. should of stopped being his friend. should of knew it wasn't a joke. he made me feel like it was my fault. he continued to yell at me. then he left. told me my mom wanted to speak to me when she got home. she got home and yelled at me, then proceeded to take my phone away. he got one day of ISS and a 3 day suspension, while i got violated, yelled at, and lost one of my bestfriends because they were on his side. how is that fair? how is it that the school officer asked us if we wanted to press charges and then never brought it up again? it's because we're girls, right? we were "asking for it" when we were wearing hoodies and jeans on most of the occasions. i just don't understand how everyone can make it out to be my fault.

back on march 30th i opened up to my dad about how i'm never motivated and how i just wanna be alone all the time and he thought i was falling into a depression. i never wanted my parents to know i wasn't happy anymore so when he thought i was depressed it made me feel like a disappointment and a failure. to make it even worse, the next day he called me to tell me i'm gonna start having weekly meetings with a therapist at my school and that i would be going up to my cousins house the next day. that night my mom came home and they both started fighting over my depression. my mom saying how she had to find out her daughter was depressed from a thearpist and not her husband. when i came back from my cousins it was like my parents didn't care anymore. they didn't think i was depressed anymore. they thought it was a faze. then a few weeks later me and my dad got into an argument on the phone over the meeting i had with my thearpist because he didn't understand. so i broke down crying and started punching my wall repeatedly until my knuckles were bruised. he kept saying that there has to be a reason i'm sad. but that's the thing with depression. is it will come out of nowhere for no reason at all. he keeps expecting me to having a reason for why i'm sad or happy or mad or any other emotion and it gets me frustrated when there isn't one because then me and him just start arguing about it.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't think the meetings with the thearpist are helping anymore. my parents make me feel invisible half the time and the other half of the time they're yelling at each other or me or my brother. i feel like sometimes my families life would be better if i wasn't here. i feel like no one would care if i just ended it all right now. my pain would go away. but at the same time i don't want the pain that i feel to go to my loved ones, especially not my cousin. i just wish i could be my happy normal self again. but i can't. because i had that taken away from me by the bullies and the boy who took advantage of his sexuality in order to take advantage of me and my friends.

i don't even know why i wrote this. no ones gonna care, just like no one cared when i told them this personally. i'm just gonna go to bed and hope i'm better in the morning for once.