Ten reasons -Jikook

Reason 10

We finished one more concert tonight and I'm standing here after the last song. I look through the crowed that was filling up the stadium. It's been said that the most broken person can hide behind a perfect smile. Laughs and jokes can carry out a personality that never really existed. Laughter and smiles full of lies to hide the most damaged person who wants to only tell the truth.

But the chains keep squeezing tighter, never loosing their grip. Chocking me from inside out and wrapping me with every deceitful thing in my life. Clouding my vision and mind with deadly thoughts. Gripping and pulling at my heart.

Until everything stops.

Until I stop fighting.

Until I give up.

And nothing can make me turn back.

I rushed from the stage to the waiting room grabbed my stuff and entered the van. We drove to the hotel and I leaned my head against the window. At this point I don't even bother trying to join their conversation. As we arrived, I head straight to my room and fell onto my bed. I reached under my Pillow to grab my journal. I took out a pen and began to write.

19/4/7

Tonight was our last concert of our Love Yourself concert, so now I have time to relax from all of my stress and we will have a month for ourselves. This is the first real break we have since debuting. To relieve myself from some of my ongoing thoughts I will start my list now...

My list of reasons why I can't life anymore.

Reason 10

Army doesn't care about me. I feel like a Backup dancer for the rest of the guys. I just don't belong in the band. I'm just to shy and my stage present sucks. I just don't deserve to be in BTS and some fans made it their mission to tell me that every time they get a chance. For each fan that told me that, I cut myself. I have ten cuts on my thighs and hips so far. 5 left and 5 right. No one knows about it and even If, no one would care but me. The chances of anyone caring about me are very slim. I hardly even care about myself so why would others.

I heard a knock on my door. "Jimin, we gathered at Hopes room to eat something, why don't you join us?" Jin ask while peeking through my door.

I closed my journal and put it back under my pillow. I got up from my bed and followed Jin to Hobi's room. As I entered the room to see all the guys having a nice laugh with each other. I glanced at Jungkook. He noticed and turned his head away immediately. His beautiful smile was gone. Looks like I have a reason to give myself a cut tonight...

I hesitantly sat down on the empty space next to Jungkook and I felt as if he shifted further away from me. I felt a pain in my chest.

I could feel it eating away at me, clawing and gripping at every fiber of my being. Searching for something to reach out and hold on to and never let go. What was it? Guilt. Shame. Longing. Love. Why couldn't I just forget? Why couldn't I just move on? I was still holding on to something that would never happen.

Looks like that's another cut I'm giving myself tonight...

After what seemed like infinity, the guys started to head back to their own rooms to sleep, while I walked quietly to my room and straight to my bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I slid down the door onto the cold floor.

"I can't stand myself ..." I whispered, as my eyes began to water. I pulled out a small blade from my pocket. I played with it in my hands for a while and stared at the shiny object. "You're my only friend ..." I said aloud as I dragged the blade across my left wrist. The blood rushed out, as so did my tears. I switched the blade to my other hand and slit my right wrist, almost crying out loudly from pain. Blood rushed out some more and I put my blade back into my pocket.