MEMORIES....SOME LAST A LIFETIME

Chapter Thirteen

She definitely had reservations about  going to meet with Can, but decided to carry out her plan to talk.  She arrived a little after 12:00, and surprisingly the cafe was empty. Can was sitting alone at the table.  He stood as she entered, he reached out his hand but she waved it away, and sat down.  He nodded in acceptance of her decision and sat  down as well.  Can quickly started,           " Sanem I'm glad you came, please listen to what I have to say, will you? "  Sanem looked around saying, " Can where are all the customers, this place is usually packed at this time of day? "   He smiled,  " Well I paid for the whole afternoon, so we wouldn't get interrupted. "  She squinted her eyes and glared at him, " You are being a little presumptuous aren't you. I told you I didn't  have a lot to talk about. Last night said a lot to me."...He dropped his head and sighed,  " I am truly sorry about the way that looked,  but I had no idea that it was just Aicha that was coming for drinks, and that is the truth."  

She knew he was probably telling the truth, he had always been oblivious to the advances from all the women that ran after him.. Nodding her head as in agreement, " So, is there something specific you wanted to talk to me about." She asked, seeing  he was totally exasperated with her lack of desire to talk to him... "You're not going to make this easy on me, are you? " His eyes searching her face. " Sanem, I needed to see you, that feeling is still not clear in my head, but nevertheless, it is still there."  That butterfly feeling hit her stomach, as she tried to not feel the meaning of what he was saying.... This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to see him, he broke down her defenses, and left her unbalanced.  Just a few little words and she was like putty, melting and dripping everywhere.  What a weak person she was, when it came to him.

She swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and said, " Can, I regret that I have allowed myself to think  about the past again. I did it in a moment of weakness. I hope you understand, that the feelings I have for you will forever be in my heart, but this has always been our problem, the other women." she sighed, " I'm simply not ready to be among the many the seeks your attention. I wanted to be the only woman in your life. But, you Can, have lost the desire to love me and the ability to remember me." She told him.  His eyes filled with tears, " Sanem, the other women mean nothing to me, you know that, and I have that desire to love you, but, you're right the ability to remember you has evaded me." I have these flashes of memories, and I'm  hoping they will mean something."  He told her about some of the flashes he had , asking her if they were real or just dreams.  She explained that most of them had been in the book so It would be hard to tell if they were a true memory or not. She could see he was tying so hard to remember, but she had to protect herself.    

Can tried desperately to convince her to allow him in again,  but Sanem held on to her decision.  Telling him she was certain what he was experiencing was guilt, and with time it would dissipate. She blinked her eyes trying to keep the tears from forming, and said,  " Can we need to move on, your heart will forget,  just like your mind. You need to clear your mind and let it rest." She stood to leave, but he reached for her, begging her to stay,  " Don't go, I feel like if you leave now,  I will lose you and a part of myself, a part I might never get back. "  His eyes sank into hers, craving and torturing her.  With all her courage, she whispered, " Our future has already been written Can, I am destined to have only memories of my only love, and you, without memories.."......

She left the cafe, walking, blinded by the tears that fell.  She didn't remember how she even got back to her apartment, but there she was climbing the stairs, as if she was dragging the weight of the world with her.  She was so tried of hurting and feeling pain, her soul screamed with anguish.  She made her tea, but her throat was tight from the pain making it nearly impossible to swallow, as sadness gripped her and she cried for hours,  until she was drained and her body gave in and she slept.....

Can was stunned, and heartbroken. She was gone, all he had now was to hope she would have a change of heart in the days to come.  He wanted so badly to remember all that they had together,  he knew from the book that their love had been riddled with problems, lies and deceptions. But there was a need that drew him to her, it was entwined around his heart, and he knew that it would never go away.  Maybe she was right, he was trying to hard, working his brain to much. Just relax for a few days and see what happens..He would take his tent and a few supplies and head to the woods, be alone and think. He called Emre, telling him he would be gone for a couple of days, for him to take care of business.  He would return on Wednesday, in time for the meeting with a new potential client. 

The next day brought the reality of what had happened, she tried to busy her mind with other things. She took a walk around the neighborhood, as she usually did, and stopped to visit with a few of the elderly people that would always wave at her..  But it wasn't enough, she needed something to completely shut her mind off.....After her walk, she jumped into cleaning mode and cleaned for hours. She scoured everything she could reach. She was exhausted, she showered, ate and finally it was time for bed....Sleep came quickly, but not so calmly, the dreams wandered in and out of the mind.  Bad ones, then good ones, keeping her tossing and turning all night.  When morning came, she felt like she had run a marathon that didn't have a finish line.  Getting ready for work, she hoped she would hear from her publishing house soon, maybe getting started on promotions on the new book would take her mind off things. Anything to get her out of town for a while and busy....

Leila came for lunch and surprised her.  She told her that Can had taken a few days off.  Sanem knew her sister was dying to know what happened between them.  As much as she wanted to forget it all,  she told her all the dirty details of what had happened, at the club and at their meeting.  She also told her she planned to travel abroad to promote the book as soon as the details were made.  Leila was surprised, Sanem had never wanted to travel before.........

But Sanem smiled and with confidence in her voice, she replied............

" What you see Abla is the new and improved Sanem,  fearless and ready for life.................