Forever

Fifteen

"Fuck" I exhale. It's been three weeks since my heart to heart with Derek. After that night I went home despite Derek's protests. He wanted to bask in the memory, when it was something I tried to hide, scared to face the hurt of losing my child. I've been running from that feeling since I came to New York. I was holed up in this shitty apartment for the first month, barely eating, spending hours in the shower basking in the comfort of the water. I hated myself, I lost my baby, my child created out of love, it was my fault.

Derek was the first person I told. I've never even seen a doctor to check out my fertility, I wanted to push it away. Rose suspected something more than just Derek leaving but I never confided in her not wanting to add more to her plate.

I've been back in that low place. I turned off my phone, throwing it somewhere random. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to die after that night. Everything came back and seeing Derek beat himself up for his father's actions made it worse. He claimed to hate his father, he wanted to kill him, but he willingly took the same business that made his father into the man he was.

I was currently digging through my closet searching for the only thing I had left of her, of Ella. Before I left Spain, I went to my last appointment to find out the gender. When I found it was a girl I went to a local shop and bought a beautiful onesie with pink and purple flowers, a stuffed mushroom toy, and a pacifier. I contemplated burning everything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it no matter how far I ran from the memories.

Derek came twice a week but I never let him in. The first time he banged on the door trying to get in yelling whatever he could think of. Now he just sits outside and tells me about his day. I heard a knock against the door letting me know that he was here. I found the raggedy bag full of items. The tears flow down my face, I exhale deeply bringing the bag to my chest.

"Camille please let me in" He pleads. Before I know it I'm opening the door. He walks in quickly taking me into his arms. His manly scent overwhelms me. He holds me for what feels like forever his warm embrace slowly giving me pieces of my sanity. He lets go, moving to sit on the couch. I go to sit across from him still holding the bag close to my chest.

"What do you have there?" he questions. I smile softly.

"You're the first person I've told" I admit. His eyes widen. "I ran away from the memory when I came here. It was bad at first and I had no one, it was worse than before I didn't have you. I had no one. I cried my eyes out in my shower for days. I drank so much, barely eating I'm surprised I didn't die." I look down not wanting to see his face. I begin to pull the items out of the bag, still in great condition.

I hold up the onesie, "I bought these things in Spain, the day I found out that she was a she." I place the onesie down and move on to the mushroom. "She was conceived that night, we did shrooms. I did the math, that was some of our best work" Derek laughs lightly. I glance up to see the tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry" he admits. I shake my head. He walks over to me wrapping his arms around me again. I push him away standing up, aggressively wrapping my sweater around me. Gulping I turn around to face him, worry gracing his face, his guilt on full display.

"Stop fucking looking at me like that" I scream. My breath becomes violent as I pull my hair eliciting pain. "It's all my fucking fault" I screech. Derek makes his way over to me pulling me into him. I fight him trying to get out of his comforting grasp. I scream as the tears fall down my face. "Why me?" I plead. Derek and I slide to the ground, him still holding me close. He runs his fingers up and down my back.

"I have to leave her," He says after I've calmed down. I begin to think about it. Would life really be that bad, I could stay away from the violence, making Derek hide as much as possible. He could protect me and I could feel again, I could be with the man I loved.

I would also willingly sign off on what he was doing behind the scenes. All the killing and the violence. I would be with the man I loved yes, but I would be trying to bring children into a world of merciless killing, drugs, and money. Was I ready for that, did I really want that for myself? Before I can further rationalize, I bring my eyes to Derek hearing my decision leave my mouth.

"Okay"