Cadence Book Reviews

Lost in Havoc Critique Feedback

Username: gurlcynical
Story Title: Lost in Havoc
Story Genre: YA
Option: 5 Chapters
Date: 5/9 Term End

Critique: Cadence
Total Points: {61/96}
Final Comment: Great story concept here. It kept me entertained for the majority of the time. However, know that more practice and taking initiative in learning about writing will get you even farther.

Prologue Chapter (Extra Notes)

I wanted to talk about a few things in your prologue that may or may not help you in future endeavors.

First, your prologue is intriguing, but it lacks further explanation to some feelings and facts, which leaves a reader feeling as though it is put in there for no reason (not relevant information). For example, your character references school in a negative way, but it doesn't explain or have any backstory as to why this is felt. The same case with the dad, "...whilst carefully driving his beloved mustang...". Why does he love it? Does it matter that he loves it? What about being careful?

Next off but on the same basis, a note about the weather and raising hands feels out of place, because there's no accompanying talk of it. Why do we read that hands are randomly raised and then it's off to the next subject? Why does weather play a role? It would make more sense if the part about school was omitted and the story continued.

On a different topic, some of your word choices and phrasing sounds a little bit off, which is nothing huge. "...and a lot more...". It helps to print your writing out when proof reading, or reading it aloud, or even having someone else read it for you. Make certain that when you end a sentence, the thought is complete, meaning you can read it and understand what's going on.

And finally, keep in mind how people actually talk. "This is the happiest and best day of my life...". Is your character the type to actually say this, or are you trying to include both feelings? If the latter is the case, you can try some monologue (inner voice talk or thought), or even rephrase how you say it (This is the best day of my life. No, wait. This is the happiest day of my life!).

Your prologue is very good, story-wise. I was interested as soon as she stepped out of the car. How it ended put things into more perspective, I think, with understanding that she was reliving the memory, that it might be quite some time after the actual event.

Opening Chapter

Hook Sentence: {1} Usually, the hook sentence is the first sentence, because it has to capture a reader's attention quickly or they'll give it up. Not only was the point of view not in first like the rest of the chapter, but the  hook is somewhat lacking. To help this, I would make it more personal to the character, giving it in their own, unique experience and perspective. I would also see if you can find a more interesting sentence to start with, such as skipping to the part about dreading her next visit, then to the bell, then to the explanation of the visit.
Hook Paragraph: {2} There's activity, but nothing truly unique or eye-catching.
Backstory: {3} Good job on including more backstory. It's written in well for the most part, too. It doesn't bog a reader down constantly and is put in just the right places. An example is when the teacher references her essay and she thinks about what the essay is about. Still, keep your eyes open for areas that feel like they're jumping around in time, which can get confusing.
Scene Description:  {3} Pretty good, but see the note above.
Character Introduction: {4} Good, in both the prologue and the classroom. Launching right into a low stakes problem was a good call, especially to get to know more about her. As a note for later though, a story should be able to stand fairly well or completely when the prologue is removed, so make the first chapter count.

Plot

Genre Expectations: {5} It sounds YA to me. :)
Themes: {5} Damaged youth and finding yourself (something like coming of age) are clear and present. All good components for a YA story.
Structure: {7} It's hard to know for certain that structure is good with only a fraction of the story, but I do believe the story is building well.
Creativity: {7} Some cliche' moments, such as classic high school bully or her dad recently dying, but a great mix of other things that make the plot worthwhile. Keep personalizing her experience of searching for college and balance after her father's death.
Suggestions for Improvement: See notes throughout the page.

Overall

Spelling/Redundancy: {1} There's a little bit of redundancy. Try varying the words you use, especially when starting sentences.
Grammar/Punctuation: {1} A little weak on the punctuation, but you have a very neatly written story.
Use of Language: {3} Good.
Voice/Style: {3} I'm all for the lone girl routine and you make it easier to connect with the main character with how you write, though it can be improved. Voices and styles grow more personalized to you over time and with more practice.
Point of View: {3} Not a huge deal, but sometimes the point of view sounds like someone all-knowing as apposed to just Blythe telling the story.

Protagonist: {7} I think there can easily be more depth and rounding to who she is or isn't. How she feels and why can be elaborated.
Second Protagonist: --
Antagonist: {6} The antagonist can be a number of people of things--multiple at a time, too. Here, she's fighting herself and her attitude in order to have a better future. She's also trying oto mend things with her mom, who can be seen as a barrier to her goals. If that isn't enough, her bully is bent on keeping her down. Keep on building the story!

Ending

Memorable: Doesn't Apply.
Wrapped Things Up: Doesn't Apply.
Satisfying: Doesn't Apply.

Senior Critique additional note:
Unfortunately, a personal development occurred and the assigned Jr. Critique wasn't able to complete this, and the team apologizes for it being late. Also, because there was a prologue, it felt only fair to include it with the first five chapters, but not as the opening chapter.

Pertaining to the actual story, my favorite line has to be the one about the mural, its color and the moment in her life without color. Very poetic. Chapter three in specific had a great ending, leaving me wanting to read more.