Cadence Book Reviews

Under Your Influence Critique Feedback

Username: abusiveblueberries
Story Title:  Under your influence
Blurb:
Story Genre: Love, Comedy,

Option: Ten chapters
Date: 5/16.

Critique: Thornful-Roses
Total Points: 64/96
Final Comment: I would really like to follow the story, see how it may improve and see what will happen between Crash and Marc, and of course, Tex even. I think you've made a wonderful story so far, so goodluck!

Opening Chapter

Hook Sentence:  "We're ending your contract."  {1/5} I wasn't completed hooked, interested but not fully hooked. It was a very good way to start things out though, getting down to things and such.
Hook Paragraph: {3/5} The unique sense of the sentence of him describing his producer, his entire point of view. His thoughts not directed even at her statement about cutting him off. It really hooked me, it gave off smidge bit of his "type" already and I  was fascinated.
Backstory: {4/5}  It was relevant when it was brought up. It gave us the reasons why he was being canned in the first place, why he thought of this or that. It gave a reason and rhyme.
Scene Description:{5/5} The scene descriptions were to heaven and back, his point of view being where he was and what was happening was probably what made it even better. It didn't go endlessly into long paragraphs and sentences but rather, short, brief descriptive ones.
Character Introduction: {4/5}  Being as Crash was interested first, was smart. Not going off and describing other, non-essentials to the plot at first with Marc. His introduction was honestly more than pleasing, showing his side of things, what was going on and such. 

Plot

Genre Expectations: {4/5} in the first ten chapters there wasn't a whole lot of actual down to the ground, head over heels over even a sparkle of true love. But then again it was merely the first day or two in their chapters. LGBTQ+, it showed Crash was a get the girl man, he didn't show much sign of homosexuality. But it could be hidden because of his type. Anyways, with Marc he was alright with saying so, especially when Crash accused Marc of stealing his date. Or at least he tried to tell. And keep in mind, Marc did like Antonio in the second chapter and such.
Themes: {4/5} Okay, I have to say.  The comedy in this was my absolute favorite part of things. It was highly comedic through their teases and arguments, point of views and description. One of my favorite funny lines was "Serving Gordon Ramsay burned salad would be better than this."
The love side of things was pretty slow, it didn't show completely like I said already but it was getting there.
Structure:  {3/5} It was working it up quite well, the structure and plot of the story and how they came together was good. I would've enjoyed a slightly quicker pace. Or at least, not featuring ten chapters for on days, but all in all it paid off anyways. 
Creativity: {2/5} It's a pretty interesting plot, from there being the wannnabe actor and then the actor that's not going to be anymore. Although, I must be honest, it is a little cliché- the smart, intelligent and gentle soul and then the more out there, rule-breaker bad boy soul. 
Suggestions for Improvement: Go a little out there more, making the characters. All though the good boy bad boy types are pleasing in stories {If written correctly, which is this case, it was}. Add a little bit here and there of why Crash does what he does, why he acts like he does. What lead him to this and that. [I've only read ten chapters, so if that was revealed, I'm not aware.}

Overall

Spelling/Redundancy: {2/3}
Grammar/Punctuation: {3/3}
Use of Language: {2/5}
Voice/Style: {3/5}
Point of View: {4/5}

Protagonist: {5/10} Crash Yamamoto- He reminds me of a similar character from a TV Show, Doesn't thing he does anything wrong, always looking for fun, strong-headed and willed, a character that intrigues you. Even if the bad boy style is a little but cliché as spoken before. My favorite part is his mindset, his point of view. He doesn't wanna lose his job or status, but he doesn't wanna stay with his *babysitter* in order to keep it. Even though he does, he pulls it off somehow. 
Second Protagonist: {7/10} Marc Clemons- He's intelligent {but not a Brainiac} He's smart, going out of his comfort zone and against his thoughts just to get things done for an open opportunity for himself. To make a dream of his come true. He is the type of character you would love to be friends with. The way he thinks, he gets annoyed but doesn't always or even much shout out or tell them off. He has his ways of ignoring the other. He's also pretty quirky which I adore. 

Antagonist: {8/10} Themselves- being against each other in some ways.

Ending

Memorable: [Doesn't apply}
Wrapped Things Up: {Doesn't apply}
Satisfying: {Doesn't apply.}