Cadence Book Reviews

This Realm of Sinners Critique Feedback

Username: NuminousAuthor

Story Title: This Realm of Sinners
Blurb: When a mysterious warrior hires a crew of mercenaries in search of an artifact, they have no idea that by accepting her offer, their deaths have been sealed.
Story Genre: Adventure

Option: 5 Ch.
Date: 9/16 Period.

Critique: Cadence
Total Points: {91/106}
Final Comment: This story is masterpiece belonging o another time and would make a great adventure for the screen, despite its small problems. You should be very proud of your progress.

Opening Chapter

Hook Sentence: {4} Knowing my grammar fairly well, realizing "the Hideout (capitals) was a place caught me right away. You wonder, "is it a hideout, or is it a club of ruffians?" Also, the activity was said in a way that makes you think it wasn't usually very active, which has you wondering why this night is so active apposed to other nights. However, "all" is somewhat strange for the setence and rephrasing could help to improve it.
Hook Paragraph: {4} Intriguing. Who or what is Nirmar, and why do they usually reduce their numbers? Who are these seafarers and why have they come? From the text, what is the place and year? Many questions posed. It's written to sound natural, too. My only qualm is that the content could be a tad better for the first major paragraph.
Backstory: {5} Although there was more proposed questions than answered about the characters, we got backstory (of sorts) in learning about the characters personalities and attitudes. Very interesting and delivered well.
Scene Description: {5} Fits the overall style of writing. Brief enough, but with good detail.
Character Introduction: {4} Azira's introduction was somewhat cliche' in nature. However, her interaction with Mercury was unique and real enough to be considered its own story. His introduction was also fair.

Plot

Genre Expectations: {5}
Themes: {3} So far, adventure and friendship is clearly present.
Structure: {9} Good development that moves the story forward. There's quite a bit of action, but there's room for it to grow and stakes to be raised, which is needed in a good story arc.
Creativity: {9} Great story concept.
Suggestions for Improvement: Noted elsewhere.

Overall

Spelling/Redundancy: {3} Good.
Grammar/Punctuation: {3} Good, but don't stop improving.
Use of Language: {5} Very well done. A variety of words (not so varying that they were badly noticeable) that fit the time/genre.
Voice/Style: {5} Enjoyable.
Point of View: {5} Omniscient? The jumping from head to head as they're introduced feels like it. Either way, it reads well for the story.

Protagonist: {9/10} Azira is mysterious and interesting, but her history is evident in her mood and experienced fighting skills. Her personality and attitude is realistic, as is the inner fear and softness she hides within.
Second Protagonist: {7/10} Mercury is interesting and clearly has more to tell where his history is concerned. I have a feeling he will become a better character over the story, the more we're able to learn about and connect with him. He feels real.
Antagonist: {6} The main antagonist (whether it be people or challenges) is a little fuzzy as of yet. Clearly, the Golem play a major part in her recent (maybe not just recent) past. Their feelings are noted and skills well written. Very intriguing.

Ending

Memorable: Doesn't Apply. (Very.)
Wrapped Things Up: Doesn't Apply.
Satisfying: Doesn't Apply.

Additional critique notes:
While there wasn't anything wrong with the second chapter's content, the numerous point of views of the battle made things slightly long. It might help readers if it were divided into parts (then again, why break a good flow?). By the way, impersonal battle scenes, mastered. One of the biggest problems often afflicting fight scenes is over-explaining or describing the movements and weapons, closely followed by cliche' villain talk.

To note, good chapter endings. Each one is interesting and carried out in a similar manner. Well done.

The plot is very interesting, characters real and entertaining, and the pace perfect for this tale. I am thoroughly impressed.