The Girl Who Hides Magic

Chapter 30 | Breathe, Pauline

CHAPTER 30 | Breathe, Pauline

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains scenes about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors. Read with precaution, or just skip this chapter. 

This is only a flashback of what happened to Pauline; nothing will change to the timeline of the story, and you won’t miss anything if this chapter is skipped.

Pauline Cynthia Zunino’s Point of View

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa nagawang maglakad ng diretso at maayos palabas sa gate ng nakakadiring mansion na ‘yon. My knees are weak, my vision is clouded by another set of tears, and my chest is tightening; pakiramdam ko anytime, ay babagsak na lang ako bigla.

My hands are trembling as I reach for the phone to text Mang Nel. Halos magdugo na ang labi ko kakakagat para lang pigilan ang sarili umiyak ng umiyak habang patuloy na naglalakad palayo. 

Nablablangko na ang utak ko...

I didn’t know how long I walked, all I knew was that Mang Nel was already in front of me, guiding me to enter the car. 

“Pauline? Ayos ka lang?” No words came out of my mouth, but his question made my whole act crumble.

Tuloy-tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha ko habang nakahawak ako sa dibdib, hindi makahinga ng maayos. 

I was close to fainting. Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko at halos kaunting hangin na lang ang nakukuha ko. I was catching for air, struggling to breathe and cry at the same time. My hands were trembling badly as I tried to wipe off the tears.

Naramdaman ko ang paghinto ng sasakyan at paglabas ni Mang Nel sa driver’s seat. He opened the door at my side and fanned me using his hands.

“Huminga ka, Pauline. Hinga. Ayan tama nga. Inhale, exhale,” Mang Nel guided.

Breathe, Pauline. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

Awang-awa na ako sa sarili ko dahil sa ayos ko ngayon. I feel like my heart is being shattered all over again. Like it was stomped continuously by the same man who did it the first time. I feel like a darn child.

Seeing him, brought back all the memories I tried to bury in my mind. Seeing him alive, well, and happy with an adopted son, made me think that he didn’t regret anything, that he’s fine. He’s fine… habang kami ni Mommy nagpapakahirap?

Anong ka-bullshit-an ‘yon?

I remembered all of it like it just happened yesterday.

“Mom? When will Daddy get home?” My eight-year old self beamed with curiosity as Mom brushed my hair. 

“Tomorrow pa ata, sweetie.”

I pouted. “But he promised he’d play with us today!” I already readied my Sofia The First tea set! Mom also taught me how to create a real tea, but he won’t join us?

I can hear Mommy sighing. “Daddy’s just busy, sweetie,” she answered softly, her soft hands glided over my smooth hair as she kept on brushing it.

I was eight years old. Wala akong kaalam-alam sa mga nangyayari. Although, I know that my father is always not home because he’s busy at work. Hindi ko na siya naaabutan sa gabi dahil pinapagalitan ako ni Mommy kapag nagpupuyat ako.

But whenever he arrives early, he smells different. 

“Daddy, you should take a bath! You stink!” I said as I scrunch my nose up, his smell makes me want to puke.