written september 02, 2020
revised may 14, 2020
dedicated to a.b.
I always walk alone,
it seems you only care for me in my delusions.
I never stop,
I'm always walking;
and you have never
strayed from your path
to help me through mine.
You wouldn't do it for my life,
and you never have.
I am broken,
that's fucking fine,
but I don't want you breaking with me.
You can leave your shit at the door,
i'll throw it out anyways and
rip those hoodies i stole from you to shreds.
And yet your lips still don't stop
spitting the same misunderstanding verse.
Your tongue is made of rubber. A chat-chat-chatting torture device that
pulls and pulls
and can't seem to fucking get
that this isn't about me; this isn't my fault.
Because I have grown strong,
Alena, I don't look up to you anymore,
and in this world that
does not love us,
I love myself
and you love yourself too much—
I don't even know you anymore.
Have I ever actually known you?
I no longer walk along the line
where pills and psychiatry stands.
Where my brain stood and yelled about you—
and I didn't listen. I should have listened.
You see, that road was truth,
and I ignored it
because I loved you too much
and I broke.
Alena, you and I
don't belong together.
Because you don't care about me,
and I care too much about you.
I cared way too much about you,
but I promise I won't anymore.
I am alive,
Alena, don't you get that?
I have always been alive
but it seems you never cared
to listen to me,
love me,
or walk with me.
What I never realized in our friendship, however,
is that you are absolutely selfish
and I will always walk alone.
