Fourty five minutes later I sit in the passenger seat and watch her from the car, her lifeless body in a bag being carried to the ambulance, I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I have absolutely no will left to be in the police station, maybe if I left it would be better for everyone. If I hadn't joined to begin with Vusi wouldn't be dead and my daughter's life wouldn't be threatened. If I hadn't joined perhaps somebody better would have kept her alive. If I hadn't even joined this police force chasing some pipe dream I would still be in Joburg, my daughter would be safe. I should have not ran away.
But you had to, the voice at the back of my head speaks up.
At this point I am numb, I am not sad, I am not angry, there's something about someone dying in your arms that makes you feel like their soul has left with your emotions. It's mortifying but mostly it just paralizes your soul. Linda is talking to the paramedics, she shows no signs of trauma. It's weird, it's baffling but I envy her behaviour, I envy her strength because really no one needs a sensitive officer. In this job you really need to detach from all emotions in cases like this.
The sound of the car door opening snaps me out of my thoughts and Linda enters she sighs and looks at me with a sympathetic smile. If this was any other day I would have felt better because she really does have a comforting smile and her eyes, her brown eyes, holds something that just says 'it's all okay',but this isn't any other day, I don't feel better.
"Don't look so gloomy, you didn't kill that woman, we tried our best and the paramedics say she was bound to not make it anyway she suffered too much damage to her organs."
"We were supposed to save her."
"No we were supposed to arrest her boyfriend, bringing dead people to life is not in your job description." I feel a stab in my chest at her words.
"How can you sit here and say that. A woman has died!"
"Yes but that is not our fault, all we can do is to make sure that man goes to jail, that will be much better, don't you think? There's no point sitting here eating up self pity, at least that man is in jail." I want to bring up how that man will probably spend a few years or even months in jail because that's just how things are.
Before I can say anything her cellphone rings.
"Captain, yes we are on our way." I grow anxious by just hearing it's the Captain I have no strength to face him.
"The Captain needs us at the station." she says as she starts the car and we speed off.
***
When we enter the station we go straight to the captain's office where he is sitting in his chair on the other side of the desk. Briccs and Melusi are standing in front of the desk, the atmosphere is calm and I hear a few chuckles going around the room. When we enter the office the captain looks at me very annoyed and I couldn't care less whether he is still mad at me.
"Right I'm going to need all of you to write a report so we can send it to the morgue and to court, please let it be done by today and hand it to me before you leave today so we can quickly wrap this up, the victim is dead so there's no investigation needed." I am still clouded by numbness but the realisation sets in that this doesn't mean anything in their statistics, these are things they deal with a lot. The simple mention of the 'victim' and 'dead' shows that Denise is nothing short of a number in this place.
"When can we speak to the family?" I ask, he looks at me like he wasn't expecting me to say anything
"You don't speak to the family, that's for the courts and therapists, that's why you write a report." He doesn't look away from my gaze, if looks could kill.
"Right you are dismissed, except for you." He looks at me at the mention of his last words. Everyone leaves and Briccs taps my shoulder on his way out."Close the door and take a seat."
I do as he instructs.
"So why didn't you show up yesterday, you think crime fights itself?" No one fights crime I think to myself.
"No Captain my daughter got sick and I guess time flew at the hospital." Can this conversation just end already.
"You know I don't want to waste my time with this, I just wanted you to know that you are required to speak at the funerals of our officers next week Saturday."
"Why?" I ask annoyed, this is just what I need right now."
"The Department wants you to, it probably has to do with the fact that you avenged their deaths or something like that, if it were up to me you wouldn't even be there."
"What is your problem, Sir. Ever since I arrived here you have made it your mission to make me miserable. I have had a week from hell while you sit here doing God knows what." I immediately cringe at myself but I have had it.
"My problem is that you killed one of the only people who could help us with that bank robbery!" he yells which send me up in arms in defence.
"No its deeper than that, it really has to be because I asked Briccs about it and he found your behaviour weird so please do enlighten me with the truth."
"That's the truth you ruined everything."He says as he looks at his photo's with a bored expression completely nonchalant to my outburst. I grab the picture frame.
"This is catching your attention more than speaking to me" I say as I look at the picture and only in that moment do I notice it's the picture of him on his wedding day with a man. I didn't notice before but his picture has been embedded in my head. The picture I can't stop having nightmares about.
"I'm sorry I'll just leave, you'll have my report by the end of the day."
I rush to the bathroom completely oblivious to everyone around me. I push the door open and open the faucet splashing my face wishing I could drown my eyes to unsee the image. I hear a pounding in my head and shut my eyes and ears and I almost scream. Briccs walks in and I'm startled.
"What are you doing in here, this is the ladies bathroom."
"Oh please nobody cares about that anymore, well around here at least. Besides I saw you running in here and I came to check on you, you look like you've just seen a ghost."
Oh God if only you knew, "Uhhh no Uhm yeah, I'm just still freaked about today." I lie
"I'm sorry to hear that but you will get used to it sooner or later. Don't fret too much about it it's not our fault she died." He opens his arms trying to welcome a hug.
"No that's not really necessary." I say trying not to sound awkward.
"Come on we all need one of these." I give in his hug and for some reason I immediately feel safe as I rest on his chest.
"Its going to be okay rookie." He says and I smile at the use of the word rookie.
It immediately reminds me of when the Captain called me that on my second day. My smile disappears at the thought of Captain.
All I can think about is the Captain and his picture with Vusi.
YOU ARE READING
Line of duty :untrained
Mystery / Thriller"I am a police officer, I didn't sign up for this, seriously this was not in my training" Officer Jamie Xané has just started on the job and is sure to do everything by the book,but she's haunted by the man she was forced to kill on the first day o...
